A 17-year-old questions their early curfew, and advice is offered to understand the parent’s perspective and find compromise.
I am 17 years old, and my curfew is set 1 1/2 hours earlier than my friends' curfews. My mother doesn't want to stay up late waiting for me to come home, yet she will not go to sleep until I am home. Therefore, I have to suffer with the same curfew that I've had since I was 13. Do you think this is fair, and what can I do to help my mother realize that I am growing up and need more freedom?
It certainly doesn't sound fair. However, I haven't heard your mother's side of the story. If your curfew is set for 12:00, and your friends' curfews are 1:30, then she may be reasonable, depending on the circumstances. If there's a specific reason why your curfew is earlier (for example, if you've been in trouble with the law), then it may make sense. But she may just be an anxious mother, reacting to all the scary things the media says about teens or perhaps to things that happened to her during her own teenage years.
It's important for teens to understand their parents' anxiety. Parents are the people who changed your diapers and held your hand when you crossed the street. We have an intense attachment to you, which enabled us to keep you safe when you were little. It amazes us to see you grow up so fast. We’re always one step behind in understanding your maturity. You sometimes still need our help—but it's hard for us to figure out when you do and when you don't.
I used to lie in bed wondering where my kids were and whether they were safe. I couldn't relax and go to sleep until they were home. I think all parents of teens experience this, unless they really don't care about their kids. However, I knew my kids needed to have freedom appropriate to their ages, so I bit my lip and let them go out, even though I was anxious.
One thing that might help is if you carried a cell phone and called your mother at a predictable time just to let her know you're safe. That would reassure her. But, of course, she would need to agree not to keep calling you every half hour!
If your mother isn't able to give you the freedom appropriate to your age, family counseling might help. An experienced family counselor can help your mother see that kids your age need to "try their wings" in the outside world, and it's important for your development that she allows this, no matter how anxious she feels.
If there are issues from your mother's own youth that are getting in the way of her letting you grow up, the counselor can help her work through these issues—without you having to deal with them yourself.