Conversation or Coercion

The command and control approach to parenting works—until it doesn’t. There comes a point when most children, if they are healthy, rebel against this. If they don’t openly rebel, they may just go underground to get their needs met. Many parents are shocked when their well-behaved child suddenly declares, "You can no longer tell me what to do!"

The Problem with Idle Threats

Shocked and fearful, the parent might respond with an idle threat: "Do as I say or…" However, have you ever noticed that when you use idle threats with kids, they respond in kind? For example, "Yeah, well if you do that, I’ll do this…" This back-and-forth can escalate, and sometimes parents turn idle threats into actual punishments in an attempt to maintain respect. But instead of gaining respect, you often end up with resentment and more negativity.

Does Control Actually "Work"?

You might ask, “But doesn’t control work?” Yes, it may force your child to be obedient and conform in the moment, but at what cost? This approach doesn’t build a child’s sense of self, self-discipline, or their ability to embrace responsibility wholeheartedly. It might work in the short term to gain obedience, but the long-term effects can be devastating.

The Limitations of Punishment and Rewards

Punishment and rewards keep children stuck at a lower level of moral development. When a child does something wrong and receives a punishment—especially one that isn’t fair or is given in anger—the child doesn't reflect on their behavior. Instead, the negative experience overshadows any chance of learning or developing empathy. The punishment clears the ledger in the child’s mind, leaving no room for healthy reflection or remorse.

The Power of Communication and Trust

The higher road in parenting is to foster discussions. Have conversations that truly listen to your child's point of view, experiences, and feelings. This approach develops trust and closeness, helping children grow a sense of self. When children trust us, they learn that we have their best interests at heart. This means that when we express concerns or make requests, they are less likely to rebel.

Why Effective Communication Matters

When people say, "Effective communication doesn’t work with kids," they are missing the bigger picture. Communication teaches kids essential social skills, helps them understand their feelings and yours, and elevates their moral development. Through communication, they learn to consider their feelings and those of others, as well as the reasons behind certain limits.

Take the Higher Road

By taking the higher road in parenting—one that focuses on trust, communication, and understanding—you will begin to see more cooperation, harmony, and the development of a self-disciplined child.