Because it Feels Good

Why do kids hump things?

Well, a straight question like this deserves a straight answer, so here it is: because it feels good!

Innocent Exploration

Many young children discover that it feels good when they rub their private parts, either with their hands or against things. For example, I remember my little brother telling me about the strange feeling he got when he was climbing a tree and his penis rubbed up against the trunk. It was completely innocent. It's also normal for children who experience this kind of feeling to show curiosity about one another's bodies and to want to look or touch.

For most kids, this kind of behavior is a normal, innocent exploration of good bodily feelings, which will later develop into the capacity for sexual pleasure. It's crucial that we, as adults, avoid making them feel guilty about this.

Avoiding Shame and Guilt

If sexual feelings become associated with shame, and sex becomes "dirty," children may think of it as something illicit that must be explored secretly rather than as something good that can eventually be shared with someone they love.

If you find a child "humping" or rubbing themselves, simply explain that these kinds of body feelings are private and suggest they do it in their room rather than in public. That’s enough. If they're doing it in a situation where there aren't others around, like watching TV at home, it's best to ignore it.

Talking About Boundaries

If you find two or more children exploring their bodies together, this is a great opportunity to have a gentle talk about "private parts" and what "private" means, without shaming them. You might also consider getting a book about bodies to read with the children. My favorite is "A Very Touching Book," which not only names and displays all the body parts humorously but also discusses good touch, bad touch, and secret touch.

Recognizing Signs of Abuse

There is a difference between innocent exploration and behavior that may suggest a child has been sexually abused. Children who have been sexually abused often act out with other children in ways that mimic what was done to them. This goes beyond simple curiosity, like "You show me yours, and I'll show you mine."

For example, if you see children mimicking oral sex, it requires further investigation, as the idea of oral sex doesn't typically occur to them spontaneously. This could suggest that an adult may have exposed them to it. Similarly, if a child forces another child into sexual play that the other child doesn't want, an adult should ask each child individually and kindly about their experiences, both with each other and previously.

Remember, sexual abusers often make threats about bad things happening if the child discloses, so it's important to be gentle and emphasize that you can keep the child safe from anything they're afraid of. "A Very Touching Book" can be helpful in these situations too.

When a Child Imitates Observed Behavior

There is also an in-between situation where a child may imitate sexual behavior they've seen, either in person or on TV, without understanding it. For example, I recall a little girl in a mental health clinic who was imitating sexual intercourse with her dolls. Everyone was concerned she might have been sexually abused, even though she didn't seem emotionally disturbed. In the play therapy room, I casually asked if she'd seen anyone doing this, and she said, "Oh yes, when the babysitter's boyfriend comes over." This was inappropriate behavior by the adults, but it was not directed at the child.

Media Exposure and Monitoring

Today, television and the internet provide opportunities for children to view all kinds of sexual behavior that they are not yet ready to understand. It's a good idea to use a "net nanny" if your child is old enough to use the internet and to monitor what TV shows your child watches.

It's not about shielding children from awareness of all adult sexual behavior but recognizing that much of what media portrays is promiscuous, provocative, or even perverse. As much as possible, we want our children's exposure to sexuality to be healthy and in the context of loving relationships. There will come a time when they can see and understand the "other stuff," but only after they have developed positive values in the area of sexuality.