Bedtime, I Don't Think ...

My husband and I are at our wits' end. Our six-year-old daughter has become impossible to put to bed. We feel that we have tried everything and are completely out of ideas. We have a lovely bedtime routine where she has a snack, and I cuddle her on her bed and read her two stories. Then I brush her teeth, tuck her in, and kiss her goodnight. Sometimes, when she isn't ready to sleep, she is allowed to do something quietly in her room, like coloring or reading. Before she turned six, she was very cooperative, and this routine worked well. Since turning six, she wants us to lie down with her and refuses to stay in her room. We refuse to do this, and she throws a temper tantrum. We are very firm about her staying in her room, and if she refuses, we lock ourselves in our room until she is asleep. She screams, cries, and tries to kick the door in. This usually goes on until about ten o'clock every night. We are getting to the point where we dread every evening. Please help!

Exploring the Causes of the Behavior

It sounds like you've been doing many of the right things, but they aren't working. It's important to understand why this has become a problem. Parents often react to behaviors with consequences before understanding the root cause. Causes should be thoroughly explored first, especially since this behavior is new and wasn't an issue before.

Here are some possible reasons for your daughter's resistance:

1. Bedtime May Be Too Early: Perhaps her bedtime is too early for her age, and she isn't tired when it's time to go to bed. In that case, consider setting a later bedtime and avoiding naps or caffeine (like cola) in the afternoon.
2. Missing Family Time: If your daughter has just started full-time school, she may feel she is missing out on family time. Bedtime might be the only time she gets to be with you, making her reluctant to let it end. Find other times during the day to spend quality time together so that her need for connection is met.
3. Fear of Sleeping Alone: She may be afraid of sleeping alone due to a fear of something happening to her or you. It could be triggered by an experience, such as a scary movie or an incident that occurred in a bedroom. Consider reading about Separation Anxiety for ideas on what might be causing this fear.
4. Anxiety About Life Changes: She may feel anxious about a situation in her life, such as starting school, peer relationships, moving, or overhearing parental arguments. Anxiety can keep anyone awake, worrying.

Helping Your Daughter Feel Secure

Your daughter may be signaling that something is wrong. It's important to spend relaxed time with her so she can express her concerns. She may have difficulty putting her feelings into words, so think about what could be different in her life that might be causing her to worry or feel afraid, and ask her about these things. Create a routine where she can talk about her worries and help her address them before bedtime. Listening to her feelings will strengthen your relationship and may eventually resolve the issue.

• Address Specific Fears: If your daughter has specific fears (e.g., monsters in the dark), find practical ways to help her feel more secure, such as using a nightlight or leaving the door open.
• Reassure and Problem-Solve Together: Reassure her when her fears are unrealistic, and plan interventions for situations that are genuinely making her anxious, such as a difficult experience at school.

Setting Firm Limits

If you have explored all these possibilities and it seems that your daughter isn't afraid or worried but just wants more playtime and refuses to accept the limits you've set, even with extra attention during the day, you need to set firm boundaries.

• Explain the Importance of "Adult Time": Continue explaining to your child that you need "adult time" in the evenings. A six-year-old may not fully understand this, but she is old enough to start learning that her parents have needs, too. She needs to respect that bedtime is not just for her but also an important time for her parents to relax and recuperate.

Approaches to Managing Bedtime

Professionals recommend different approaches to managing bedtime issues:

1. Ferber Method: In his book "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems," Richard Ferber suggests that children get used to falling asleep with a parent present and come to feel they need that presence. He suggests a period of withdrawal, allowing the child to learn to sleep alone.
2. No-Cry Sleep Method: Elizabeth Pantley's "No-Cry Sleep Method" offers alternatives for parents who do not wish (or cannot bear) to let their child "cry it out." This approach is more geared toward parents of babies up to three years old, but it may offer some useful ideas for your situation.

Practical Suggestions

Here are a few strategies you can try:

• Door Open Policy: Let your daughter know she is allowed to have her door open as long as she is quiet and doesn't come out or bother you. If she interrupts, the door will be closed.
• Sleeping Bag Solution: Allow her to fall asleep on a sleeping bag on the living room floor or in your bed, and move her to her room later. The condition is that she must be quiet and not interrupt.
• Positive Consequences: Consider offering a reward, like staying up half an hour later to play a game with you tomorrow if she settles quietly today.

Avoiding Common Mistakes

Many parents make the mistake of leaving a child to cry in their room, then giving in and letting them out after a long period. This teaches the child to cry longer because they know their parents will eventually give in. If you've tried all the alternatives and want your child to stay in her room after a certain time, you must be consistent and firm.

• Be Consistent: If she keeps coming out, stand at the door and hold the doorknob without interacting until she is quiet and stays in her room. This avoids a power struggle while showing that you are serious.
• Reassure with a Loving Routine: Continue with a warm, loving bedtime routine. A child who feels secure in this routine is more likely to settle down.

Moving Forward

Locking yourselves in your room may escalate the problem by making her feel abandoned or engaging in a power struggle. It's best to avoid this unless absolutely necessary, as there are gentler approaches to try first.

By balancing firm limits with understanding and addressing any underlying fears, you can help your daughter feel secure and learn to respect bedtime as a necessary routine for both her and her parents.