Big Brother Blues

I'm shocked with my 2 1/2-year-old's response to our new baby. We spent a lot of time preparing him for the change and reassuring him of his special place in our hearts. What happened? He hates her.

Imagine that your husband told you he is going to get a new wife in addition to you.

He explains that she will be much younger and need special attention, especially at first.

The Arrival of a New Sibling

He will need to devote a lot of time to her, and you may have to share some of your things with her.

Even though he still loves you, he believes the family will be happier and more complete with two wives, and he feels capable of loving you both equally.

Empathy for Your Son’s Perspective

How would you feel?

How would you want to treat her when she arrives?

Well, this may be how your son feels about the arrival of his new sibling.

Adjusting to the Reality of a New Baby

I remember when my baby sister arrived.

I had really looked forward to her coming, imagining a playmate and a special friend, someone cute and friendly like a living doll.

But she wasn’t what I expected.

Instead, she was a baby—noisy, helpless, crying, and taking up huge amounts of my mother’s attention.

Impact on an Older Child

I hadn’t realized what a baby would mean, and it wasn’t fun for me.

I wished she would go back where she came from.

As more siblings arrived, I withdrew into myself, stopping the expression of my needs and feelings to my parents.

They didn’t notice because they thought I was just independent, but I was grieving.

Understanding Your Son’s Emotions

It’s crucial to empathize with your son’s feelings about his little sister.

The reality is that she’s taking away time and attention that used to be his.

She needs to be fed, changed, and held, and he’s no longer the favored youngest.

Strangers and relatives dote on the baby, not him, and her needs always come first.

Reflecting His Emotions

If your son says, "I hate her," he's expressing his normal resentment and anger about being displaced.

Reflect his emotions back to him without judgment, saying something like, "You're really upset that your little sister takes up so much of my time."

Encouraging Positive Involvement

Let him help with household tasks, and highlight the "big kid privileges" he enjoys that the baby doesn’t.

If he starts acting like a baby, respond with empathy, saying, "You wish you were the baby again," and give him special cuddles, allowing him to feel like the baby for a while.

Setting Boundaries with Compassion

You must set limits if he tries to harm the baby, but avoid putting him down for it.

Instead, say, "I know you're mad that she's here, but she can't help being here, so it isn't her fault. It's not okay to hurt her because she's too little to defend herself. Tell me how mad you are instead."

Prioritizing Special Time

Make a point to set aside special one-on-one time with your son every day, ideally when the baby is asleep.

This will ensure uninterrupted bonding and give him the attention he needs.

Meeting His Emotional Needs

Ensure that his bedtime routine is soothing, includes a story, and allows for undivided attention.

Touch base with him regularly throughout the day so that he knows you're thinking about him and meeting his needs.

Conclusion

Your son will only feel secure in his special place in your hearts if he also has a special place in your daily routine.

Prioritizing this connection will help him navigate the changes brought by his new sibling.

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