Boys will be Boys

My grade 8 son is being harassed in the school locker room.

He's small and hasn't developed yet.

The gym teacher isn’t impressed with our concern and says it’s "just boys being boys."

My son is mortified that I’ve talked to the school.

I don’t want to lose his trust. What should I do?

Why This Is an Important Issue

This is a very important issue.

Boys form their sense of male identity during adolescence, and the pecking order can be quite vicious.

I recently counseled a man whose problems with self-esteem stemmed from grade 8 harassment.

His father prevented his mother from intervening or sympathizing, saying he needed to "learn to be a man."

He didn’t have the size or emotional resources at that time to deal with the harassment, and it left a permanent blow to his self-confidence.

I have another adult male client who is just beginning (at almost 40) to realize he is a tall, strong, good-looking man.

His early high school experiences, when he was smaller than others and got picked on, shaped his view of himself for decades.

How Parents Can Provide Support

Both parents, including the father whenever possible, need to be sympathetic at home.

Listen to what your son is going through so he knows it’s not him who is deficient in male characteristics.

Understanding the Harassment

Exactly what kind of harassment is happening to your son, and who is doing it?

You need to know this to let your son feel cared for and help him know how to deal with it.

This understanding will also allow you to decide whether it’s necessary to intervene with the school.

Let your son express his feelings fully and validate them.

If you don’t, he may learn, as many men in our culture do, to suppress all feelings except anger.

This is not healthy.

Educate Him About Growth Patterns

After listening to your son, educate him about growth patterns.

Point out that early growth doesn’t mean much in terms of what he is likely to look like later in life.

He’s likely to develop like one of his male relatives—his father or uncle.

What will that look like?

If it seems likely he’ll always be small, help him see that strength and athleticism aren't necessarily related to size.

If he’s willing, enroll him in a sport like martial arts or tennis, which relies on agility rather than strength.

This will help him in the present, no matter how big he grows to be.

If he remains small, it will also give him a skill that larger boys can admire.

The Impact of Society's Expectations on Boys

When I listen to my sons, now 23 and 18 and well-built, I am appalled by how much their self-esteem is tied to their athletic ability and body build.

I feel just as appalled as I would if my daughter grew up valuing herself primarily for her looks.

Our society pays more attention to the negative effects of making girls into Barbie dolls than to the negative effects of male competition based on physical abilities.

The boy who isn’t athletic is at a real competitive disadvantage.

Encouraging a Well-Rounded Sense of Value

Somehow, we—especially fathers—need to convey to our sons that their value lies in their character, not in the body they happen to have.

There’s nothing wrong with loving sports or seeking to excel in them.

But when peer culture dictates that athletic prowess is the primary measure of self-esteem, boys are being short-changed.

Fathers must step in and encourage their sons to become well-rounded individuals.

They should also be tolerant of others who are different and develop their own interests, even if they don’t fit cultural norms.

Coaching Him to Respond to Harassment

If the harassment is minor, your son may be able to fend it off with snappy retorts.

You can coach him in this, and if there are two parents, Dad may be better at it since he has lived through the male peer culture himself.

The bridge-building statements women make may only worsen the situation.

Your son may need to learn how to give insults with a smile.

This is like the raised hairs and low growl when two dogs confront each other, establishing a pecking order without actually fighting.

There are books like Snappy Comebacks! that can help.

You can rehearse these comebacks until your son sounds believable.

Intervening With the School Discreetly

If the harassment is truly destructive, your son is still young enough for you to intervene with the school.

The challenge is how to help without making the situation worse.

If his peers find out that his mother spoke to the gym teacher, the ridicule might intensify.

Any intervention must be done discreetly, assuring your son that his peers will not find out.

If a parent intervenes, it should be the father whenever possible.

A teacher who believes "boys will be boys" is more likely to listen to a man than a woman.

If the teacher doesn’t listen, try the school counselor or principal.

The counselor will know how to approach any particular teacher, and the principal can assert their authority if needed.

Conclusion

Supporting your son through harassment is a delicate balance.

By listening to him, educating him about growth patterns, and helping him develop skills outside of size and strength, you can foster his self-esteem.

If necessary, discreet intervention with the school can protect your son while keeping his trust intact.

The goal is to help him navigate these challenges and come out stronger, knowing that his value extends far beyond physical abilities.

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