Butting In Part I

Please give me some guidelines on when and how to "butt in" and speak to another parent about what I see going on with their child, for example when I know someone's child is being rejected by peers at school, or is acting like a bully.

When to Step In: Assessing the Situation

The first question you need to ask yourself is: Am I right in my assessment of the situation?

When it comes to peer rejection, kids' friendships often change quickly.

A child who is rejected one day may be back in favor the next day.

If you're relying solely on your own child's remarks, they may not be entirely accurate.

Before you do anything, make sure the situation truly exists and that it’s important enough to require action.

Does the Parent Already Know?

You also need to ask yourself: Does the parent already know?

Sometimes, a parent is aware of the issue and is doing their best to manage it, like in the case of a child with attention deficit.

In such cases, it might be wiser to help your own child learn how to deal with the other child rather than intervene with the parent.

Understanding the Other Parent’s Perspective

Let’s assume you have a good understanding of what's happening with the child, and you’re fairly certain the parent is unaware.

Ask yourself what you know about the other child's parents.

How will they receive the information if you provide it?

The best-case scenario is a sympathetic and caring parent who was unaware of the situation but will take positive action once informed.

The worst-case scenario is when the parent is part of the problem, lashes out at you, or takes it out on the child.

In between are parents who either don’t care or tell you to mind your own business but act on the information anyway.

If you're unsure about the type of parent you’re dealing with, ask your child or other parents you trust.

Considering the Impact on Children

No one likes to be the bearer of bad news, both because it may hurt the person you bring it to and because they might react negatively.

However, it’s essential to put the children's well-being above your potential embarrassment.

Once you understand what kind of parent you're dealing with, imagine the consequences of speaking up versus staying silent.

Which action will have more positive outcomes for the child and the other children involved?

If speaking up could worsen the situation for the child, or for your own child, it may be better to stay silent.

In such cases, consider discussing the issue with the principal or a school counselor, as they may be able to intervene where the parent won’t.

When Speaking Up is Necessary

If speaking up could potentially help the child, it’s worth doing, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

In this case, it’s essential to carefully consider how you deliver the message.

How to Address the Parent

Put yourself in the other parent's shoes.

How would you feel if you were receiving this kind of news?

How would you want someone to approach you?

Avoid passing judgment, especially if the child is displaying problematic behavior, such as bullying.

You don’t know what that child or family has been through, or if there’s an underlying issue that hasn’t been addressed.

It’s crucial to approach the parent with kindness and empathy.

Start with something like: "I know it must be hard to hear this, but…"

Then, describe the situation clearly and focus on observable behaviors.

For example: "Johnny hit three kids on the playground yesterday when they didn’t play the way he wanted," or "My daughter says that no one likes Mary because she cries whenever someone disagrees with her."

After you’ve described the situation, give the parent an opportunity to share their experience with their child or ask you questions.

Only offer advice if they genuinely ask for it.

Conclusion: Asking for Input

Next month, I’d like to discuss another “Butting In” problem: What do you do if you see a parent verbally abusing their child (or otherwise acting very inappropriately) in a public situation?

If you have any thoughts on this or additional ideas about the situation discussed in this column, please send them to me at the magazine, and I may incorporate them into the next column.

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