Butting In Part II
The question I asked readers to contribute to last month was: "What do you do if you see a parent verbally abusing their child (or otherwise acting very inappropriately) in a public situation?"
Former Victoria Times-Colonist reporter Holly Nathan called to tell me about an article she’d written about her experience of being investigated by the police when someone reported her for supposedly locking her child out of the car.
Holly, who was used to being a respected professional, found herself "made to feel like a criminal" because she merely waited in the car for an out-of-control child to get in with her.
Someone had jumped to conclusions and called the police.
The Vulnerability of Mothers in Society
Holly made the point that "as a mother, you have no status and no power."
She believes that the lack of status given to mothers in our society makes them vulnerable.
This took me back to when my daughter was small.
Her little friend’s mother had to make a brief stop while driving, and not wanting to disturb her child’s sleep, she locked the doors of her van and left the child inside.
Someone came along, and the result was that the little girl was taken to a stranger’s home and didn’t see her mother for two weeks.
The Consequences of Jumping to Conclusions
Obviously, it was unwise for the mother to leave her child alone in the van, even for a few minutes.
But the devastation this child experienced from that event lasted for years, as she became afraid to let her mother out of her sight.
In her mind, she had been kidnapped.
The authorities thought they were protecting the child, but instead, they caused significant harm.
Be Careful Before Calling Authorities
My first point, then, is to not jump to conclusions and call the authorities about events you don’t understand.
You could hurt both the parent and the child.
Holly Nathan writes, "I don't believe that lack of humanity, failure to understand children, and quick conclusions about abuse of children should give people undue power to summon the state."
When to Call the Authorities
There is a time to call the authorities—if you have evidence that a child is being abused or neglected.
It’s your obligation as a citizen to report that abuse.
In theory, this is fine.
In practice, it’s more difficult.
Child abuse and neglect are a matter of degree, and you must make a judgment call.
Signs of Abuse That Warrant Action
You should call the authorities if either:
- The parent’s visible behavior is clearly abusive, or
- The child discloses a situation that clearly involves physical or sexual abuse or serious neglect.
If either of these things happens, you must act, even if the abusive parent is your neighbor or friend.
Call the Child Abuse Helpline.
They will ask for your name, but it won’t be disclosed to the person you're reporting.
Overcoming Fear of Embarrassment
People often don’t call because they’re afraid of embarrassment or harassment if the reported person finds out.
But what is more important, your embarrassment or a child’s safety?
Dealing with Upsetting but Non-Abusive Situations
What about situations that aren’t clearly abusive but are upsetting?
Children are going to misbehave in certain situations regardless of what the parent does, leaving the parent at their wits' end.
If you’re the onlooker, be careful not to judge the parent based on the child’s behavior.
Recognizing the Realities of Parenting
Children, especially between the ages of two and six, aren’t built for long shopping trips, standing in lines, or meeting tons of strangers.
They tend to rebel under these unavoidable circumstances.
Personal Experience: The Grocery Store Tantrum
My middle son had regular tantrums at grocery store checkouts.
One checkout clerk gave me a dirty look when my son was having a tantrum.
The next day, at the same checkout with the same clerk, she praised me for being a good parent—unaware that I was the "rotten" mother from the day before.
Once, my son lay on the floor of a high-class restaurant, right in the way, tripping people.
That was the last time we ate out anywhere other than McDonald’s for years.
The Reality of Parenting in Public
How do you time your child out when there are four people ahead of you in the grocery line?
How do you get your child to calm down without giving in to demands for candy?
Sometimes, when we don’t know what to do, we do the wrong thing. We yell, threaten, spank, or give in and spoil the child.
When Onlookers Intervene Effectively
When that happens, we need help.
A stranger can be helpful if they blame neither the parent nor the child, but instead, do something to ease the situation.
A few months ago, I witnessed a parent struggling with their young daughter in a long line at the bank.
The child was bored and acting out, and the situation escalated until the parent began yelling at her.
Choosing the Right Intervention
It wasn’t a situation for authorities, but it was upsetting.
I decided to intervene by speaking to the child.
I told her that Mommy was really tired and that it would help if she could be quiet for a few more minutes.
The child was surprised but delighted that she could help her mom.
She immediately calmed down, and the mother gave me a grateful look.
When Not to Intervene
Yesterday, I encountered a different situation where I decided not to intervene.
I saw a mother yelling at her son in a diminishing tone, dragging him out of a store.
The situation made me uncomfortable, but I didn’t know enough to act.
Conclusion: A Balanced Approach to Intervention
These situations are uncomfortable for all of us.
But sometimes, we need to let them go.
If the parent had been a neighbor or someone I knew, I might have suggested a parenting course.
If we avoid these people or tell our kids to stay away from their acting-out children, we reduce their opportunities to learn new ways of behaving.
Very few people want to parent abusively; they just don’t know any better.
If we, who know better, stay connected and communicate support rather than judgment, we can help both the parents and their children.
