Can You Spoil a Child?

We have an adorable new baby, and we find her so delightful that we pick her up whenever she cries. Some people are telling us that we're "spoiling" her. Are we? It doesn't feel like it. What do we have to do in order not to spoil this child as she grows?

No, you're not spoiling your baby.

It is, as the saying goes, impossible to spoil a baby.

When you delight in her and respond to her, you're teaching her that your family is a safe and loving place.

She learns that she is wanted in this world and that, even though she is small and helpless, she can effectively get her needs met by making them known.

Long-Term Effects of Neglecting a Baby's Needs

As a psychologist, I often work with people who did not get these messages in infancy.

The effect of this neglect can be devastating!

When Spoiling Becomes Possible

However, as your child gets older, it will become possible to "spoil" her.

There are two ways to spoil a child.

Overindulgence vs. Oversubmissiveness

Dr. Hugh Missildine, in his book "Your Inner Child of the Past," identifies two types of spoiling: overindulgence and oversubmissiveness.

Overindulgence

Overindulgent parents have bought into the media message that a parent should constantly entertain their children.

They meet all their child's needs, wants, and wishes before the child even asks.

An at-home mother can easily become a one-woman daycare center, toy store, arts and crafts director, and more.

Working parents can "burn out" trying to do everything for their children at the expense of their own needs.

The Problem with Overindulgent Parenting

The issue with overindulgent parenting is that it deprives the child of the opportunity to think for himself, make decisions, and develop his own needs and preferences.

An overindulged child never has to struggle or take initiative to get something for himself.

He never has to work for anything or entertain himself, perhaps with creative, imaginative play, when his parents are busy and he's bored with all his toys.

This child is "spoiled" into believing that life will provide for him without his own effort.

When he grows up, he will expect everyone to read his mind and provide for him in the same way.

Oversubmissiveness

An oversubmissive parent gives in to all her child's demands, often because she fears the child won't love her if she doesn't.

She just isn't able to say a firm "No."

The child learns that whining will work to get what she wants.

If whining doesn't work, a temper tantrum might.

The parent has no time to herself, can't get anything done without an argument, and has to listen to constant whining.

When she's had too much, she explodes in anger and then feels guilty, leading to giving in even more.

The Problem with Oversubmissive Parenting

Children need to learn that there are firm and consistent limits.

They shouldn't be allowed to take advantage of others.

A child with an oversubmissive parent doesn't learn to accept "No" from others or to set limits for herself.

She learns to get her way through fussing, tantrums, and the ever-present threat: "If you loved me, you'd do what I want."

The child spoiled by oversubmissive parenting grows into a teenager or adult who can't set limits on herself.

She won't respect others' boundaries and will make life difficult for those around her.

Early Development and Setting Limits

A new baby needs to have all her needs responded to so she feels secure, loved, and effective in communicating those needs.

As she grows older, it's important to help her develop independence by not being overindulgent and respect by not being oversubmissive.

If, by the time your child is a year old, you're still getting up at night for her regularly and never taking time for yourselves, you might be spoiling her.

She needs to learn that when you leave, you will return, and that you, too, have needs she should respect.

Preschool Years and Setting Boundaries

The real test regarding "spoiling" comes during the preschool years when the child develops a clear will of her own.

That's the time to assert your personal boundaries and allow "No" to mean NO.

Encourage her to entertain herself some of the time.

Conclusion: Balance of Care and Independence

Provide for your child's needs while teaching her to provide for herself as she grows.

Set limits and teach your child that other people matter.

If you do these things with love, your child will not be spoiled.

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