Coping with Sibling Wars

I need some advice about what to do about my 11yr old and my 4yr old fighting.The 11 yr old gets frustrated easily with his brother and always hits and pushes, and yells at him which makes him scream and cry. I have tried to do all that I know how to get it to stop. I make sure that I spend time with each of them every day alone, but as soon as we're done they immediately start in on the fighting. I have seriously considered walking away. I love them but I don't know how to handle the situation and it seems to be getting worse with them.

As I'm sure you know, kids are egocentric, and they often have difficulty seeing other people's point of view.

They can't be expected to know how to resolve conflict on their own, so we can't just leave it up to them.

However, they need to learn, which is why it’s important not to resolve every fight for them but to teach them the skills to work things out themselves.

Here are some practical guidelines to help you with this process:

1. Observe Without Intervening

Watch a few fights from start to finish without stepping in to get a sense of what’s really going on.

Make sure to observe both verbal and nonverbal behaviors like kicking or making faces, as these also contribute to fights.

2. Understand Each Child's Perspective

Put yourself in each child’s shoes.

For the younger child, they might be bored because you won’t play with them anymore.

They haven’t learned how to entertain themselves yet, and bugging their older sibling makes life more interesting.

Sometimes they get to play, sometimes they provoke anger, and if they yell loud enough, mom comes running and they get attention.

For the older child, they may feel more and more frustrated because they can’t do anything without being interrupted.

They’re trying to read, play a game, or do homework, but their sibling keeps escalating the “bugging” behavior until they finally explode in frustration.

This is a common pattern, and it’s easy to assume the older child is picking on the younger one when the opposite is often true.

3. Give Each Child Their Own Space

Make sure each child has their own space, like their bedroom, where they can go if they don’t want to interact with their sibling.

Let them know that entering each other’s private spaces is not allowed.

The child who usually starts the fights may not like this, but it’s important for setting boundaries.

4. Coach Them on Conflict Resolution

Once you understand the dynamics, coach each child on how to handle the situation.

Teach them to use words instead of screams or fists.

The younger one can ask their sibling to play, and the older one can reply, “When I finish this, in about half an hour.”

5. Anticipate Problematic Situations

Anticipate difficult moments by keeping the younger child occupied.

Invite friends over to play with them or put on videos for them to watch.

Ask the older child to do their homework in their room, away from distractions.

6. Intervene Early to Prevent Escalation

If you see or hear the early signs of a fight, intervene quickly.

Distract the child who’s bored and give them something to do before the situation escalates.

7. Let Them Handle It on Their Own

Once you’ve taught your children some conflict resolution skills, let them know they’re responsible for handling their own disputes.

Walk away and resist the urge to intervene whenever they scream or hit.

They need to learn how to prevent things from reaching that point.

8. Avoid Becoming the Judge

Never take sides or become the judge of who’s right or wrong in a fight.

If you do, the kids may start more fights just to get your attention, hoping to be chosen as the “favorite.”

9. Separate Them if Necessary

If the fight becomes violent or the noise is too much to handle, separate the kids.

Send them to their rooms or different areas to cool down.

In warm weather, you can tell them they have to fight outside.

Conclusion: Conflict is Normal, and It Gets Better

Following these guidelines will help you teach your children how to manage their conflicts more effectively.

And be reassured—most siblings who fight as children grow up to get along just fine.

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