Dealing with the Other Set of Parents

My four-year-old stepson spends almost half of his time each month with us, and the rest with his mother and stepfather. He has his own room in our home, and has toys and clothes and all the things he would have if he were here all the time. We have always talked with him about how he has two homes. However, his stepfather is telling him that he has only one home, the one he lives in with his mother and stepfather. The stepfather also expects the boy to call him daddy and tells him that my husband is his "other" daddy. The stepfather is not open to discussing these issues and has made it clear that he wants my husband out of the picture for good. How should my husband and I handle this? We want to do what is best for my stepson without adding any more confusion to his young life.

We all have an idea of a "normal" family as being two parents and children living together, without any other parents involved.

However, the reality of modern life is very different for many families.

A book I recommend is Mom's House, Dad's House by Isolina Ricci.

She explains that every child needs both parents in their life if it’s at all possible.

Denying a child access to one parent can really harm them.

When Is It Necessary to Cut Out a Parent?

There are situations where one parent may need to be cut out of a child's life—if they are abusive, seriously addicted, or so dysfunctional that contact will harm the child.

But when a child has two relatively normal parents, it is best for them to have two homes, one with each parent.

Who Is Responsible for Making This Work?

The responsibility for making this arrangement work lies with the child's parents and, secondarily, with the stepparents.

Why is this stepfather taking so much control?

Doesn’t the child’s mother have a voice in the matter?

Perhaps she could read Ricci’s book and learn about what’s best for her child.

Could your ex have a meeting with her—mediated if necessary—to discuss this issue?

Choosing the Right Names for the Parental Roles

With regard to what your son calls the two men in his life, there are many terms other than "Daddy."

One person could be "Poppa," for example.

If the stepfather insists on using the term "Daddy," your husband could switch to being "Poppa."

It wouldn’t harm his relationship with his son, as their bond is about respect and love, not about names.

You could also have an affectionate nickname that indicates your parental role.

Step-Parenting Challenges: Another Example

Here’s another example from a step-parent dealing with a similar issue:

A Step-Mom’s Concern:

Dear Dr. Alison,

My boyfriend and I have been living together for about six months now.

He has a 6-year-old son and an 8-year-old son, and they fit in well with my own two children.

We all get along great and have done many fun things together.

His sons were begging us to get married so that we could really be a family in that sense.

But now, their mother has been telling them horrible things about me.

My boyfriend just told me that his sons said (in front of their mother) that they didn’t like me.

I don’t know what to do.

I know his children really do like me—they used to follow me around the house and call for me every two minutes.

We’ve played and done so many good things together.

Now I’m not sure how to act around them.

My boyfriend told them not to listen to him or her, but to make up their own minds.

Dealing with Parental Alienation

It sounds like your boyfriend’s ex is blaming you for her own loss and may be afraid the children will like you more than her.

She is trying to poison their minds against you.

The best way for you to handle this is to ignore the problem and treat your boyfriend’s sons the way you always have.

Don’t take it personally—it isn’t about you, it’s about their mother.

Just proceed as usual, trust your intuition, and know that the children actually like you.

If they don’t feel they have to report to their mother about you, they’ll likely enjoy their time with you.

Avoid Discussing the Situation with the Kids

Don’t discuss the situation with the children yourself—it will only make them feel “caught in the middle.”

Your boyfriend did the right thing by intervening with his sons and encouraging them to make up their own minds.

He could also add that they don’t have to listen to either parent talk about the other.

They can say, "I don’t want to talk about that" and leave if a parent starts to badmouth the other.

Confronting the Ex

It may be helpful for your boyfriend to confront his ex about what she has said.

He needs to tell her how harmful this behavior is to the children, as they need to feel happy and at home in both households.

Conclusion: A Balanced Approach to Co-Parenting and Step-Parenting

Navigating life between two homes is challenging for both children and parents.

It’s important for both biological parents and stepparents to communicate effectively and prioritize the well-being of the children.

By fostering trust, setting boundaries, and encouraging children to form their own opinions, you can help create a stable and loving environment, even in complicated family dynamics.

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