Disapproving Dad

What can a Mom do when it seems the Dad disapproves all the time of his daughter's doings and very seldom has conversations with her other than to tell her what she should do or should have done differently? (He channels most of his input to parenting through the mother.)

This is a very difficult issue. A child's self-esteem is a direct result of how her parents view her.

If one parent is constantly disapproving, the child will learn to disapprove of herself, put herself down, and not trust herself.

This can be extremely damaging to a child emotionally.

A parent who shows no interest in spending time with a child or demonstrates no interest in her sends the message that she isn’t a worthwhile person.

These actions can have long-term effects on her self-esteem and her ability to form healthy relationships.

It seems likely that your husband is passing on what he received as a child to another generation.

Seeking Counselling for Family Issues

This is a serious problem, and I suggest you seek counselling with your husband, and possibly as a family, to help address it.

Look for a well-qualified counsellor who specializes in family issues.

Many employers provide extended health coverage for counselling or psychologists.

If you don’t have coverage and can’t afford to pay privately, services are available for free at Mental Health Centres, though there may be a wait.

Inviting Your Husband to a Parenting Course

If you think your husband may be hesitant to attend counselling, you might try inviting him to attend a parenting course with you.

In fact, I recommend a course whether or not you attend counselling.

There are many worthwhile parenting courses available through community agencies.

My own LIFE (Living in Families Effectively) courses are available on videotape, audiotape, and in booklet form.

However, I don’t recommend just buying books or videos and trying to make your husband read or watch them.

This approach usually doesn’t work, as it can feel manipulative or judgmental.

Approaching Your Husband About Counselling

When inviting your husband to attend a course or counselling, avoid coercing him by implying you’re right and he’s wrong, or that the expert will tell him this.

No one would want to attend anything under the assumption that they’re going to be put down.

Your husband may have his own self-esteem problems stemming from his upbringing.

Instead, frame it as both of you needing help with resolving your disagreements about parenting.

Family Dynamics and Parenting

Sometimes, the parent who is most involved in the parenting may actually be part of the problem without realizing it.

For example, your husband may feel inadequate when trying to relate to your daughter, especially if he feels you're constantly watching to see if he says something damaging.

Families are systems, and each member reacts to every other member in characteristic ways, which can lead to unhealthy patterns of relating.

A common pattern in many families is one where the mother is seen as the parenting "expert" while the father becomes the disqualified outsider.

It’s possible that your husband simply doesn’t have the tools to do a better job of parenting.

If he were to take a course and learn these tools, and you were willing to step back a bit, he might surprise you.

Considering the Well-Being of Your Child

If he refuses to take a course or counselling with you and continues to avoid or put down your daughter, ask yourself: Is this marriage worth the damage it’s doing to your child?

One negative parent can poison the atmosphere in a home, leaving the child without a safe place where she feels accepted and free to be herself.

As a last resort, you may need to consider whether to stay in the marriage unless the family gets the help it needs.

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