Disliking Dad

My daughter is only 6 years old, but at 5 years old, she told her father that she does not like him.

She knows that he does a lot to hurt me, which is only hurting her more.

She is interested in playing soccer, but she has to miss out on a lot of practices and games because last year, her first game, she happened to be at his place. They (him, his wife, and their kids) brought her to her game.

Challenging Experiences in Co-Parenting

She wanted me to hold her hand to the field, but he went off in front of everyone and called the police on me. He said he was leaving without even letting her play her first game. After that, my daughter told me not to tell him that she was in soccer and she didn’t want him to go to any of her games or practices.

She cries every other weekend about not wanting to go to his place and says, “I told him I don't like him, why do I have to go there?” This guy calls me all the time and harasses me. She is a very smart little girl, and she knows it's him. She knows he is just harassing me on the phone. He doesn’t really care about visiting her; it is a power thing with him. Everything is call the police or threaten court if he doesn’t get his way.

What Should I Tell My Daughter?

When my daughter is crying and doesn’t want to see her father, I am unsure what to tell her.

An Honest Answer: How to Approach the Situation

You won't like my answer very much, but you do need to hear it. There is no indication that your ex is directly hurting your daughter. What is hurting her is the way he treats you. Your daughter is so close to you that she knows everything that goes on between you and her dad, and she doesn’t like him because of what’s wrong in your relationship with him. This shouldn’t be her problem.

She should be able to have a relationship with her dad and his family, regardless of how he treats you. He's her only real father, and she needs a relationship with him.

Recommended Reading: "Mom’s House, Dad’s House"

I recommend the book Mom's House, Dad's House by Isolina Ricci for suggestions on how to turn your relationship with your ex into the kind of “business relationship” that you would have with your plumber, rather than a relationship of “negative intimacy” where you continue fighting even though you are no longer together.

You and he are maintaining this negative intimacy big-time, even though he's remarried, and you need to stop it.

Setting Boundaries: Tips for Co-Parenting

You need to make a clear boundary between your ex and yourself, and between your daughter's time with him and her time with you. Here are a few suggestions on how to establish this:

1. Weekly Phone Call:Arrange a regular weekly phone call between you and your ex, out of your child’s hearing. That way, you can keep your cool when talking with him. Keep the discussions focused on necessary co-parenting topics, such as sports gear, school meetings, etc. Avoid engaging in any other phone calls unless there is an emergency. Make an agreement that either of you can hang up if the conversation becomes abusive.
2. Clear Roles at Events:Make it clear to your daughter that when she is with you, she’s with you, and when she’s with her father, she’s with him. For example, if you attend her game when she’s with her father, she walks to the field with him, and vice versa. She can get used to this if it’s clear and consistent. Explain to her that you still care, but it’s her father’s time with her.
3. Avoid Arguments in Front of Your Child:Do not engage in discussions or arguments with your ex in your daughter’s presence, and never talk to her about how you feel about him or how he’s treated you. This forces her to take sides, which is not fair to her. Both of you are her parents, and she needs both of you. Teach her that she has the right to ask either of you to stop complaining about the other.
4. Help Her Without Passing Judgment:If your daughter complains about her dad, listen and help her figure out ways to handle the situation without passing judgment on him. As long as there is no abuse involved, encourage her to adapt to the different rules in his household.

The Bigger Picture: Encouraging a Positive Relationship

If your daughter is not exposed to your feelings about your ex, she may be able to develop a positive relationship with him, even though you two never worked things out. If that happens, it might reduce his need to make police or court threats.

I know this is hard for you, but your little girl will benefit in the long run from having a relationship with her father if you encourage it in this way.

Conclusion

Navigating a complex co-parenting situation can be incredibly challenging, but it’s essential to create a healthy and supportive environment for your child. By setting boundaries, avoiding conflict in front of your daughter, and helping her develop a positive relationship with her father, you can ease her distress and promote emotional well-being. Your encouragement will help her manage these difficult circumstances and thrive in the long run.