Do Grandparents Know Best?

(Parent #1) - How can I deal with my mother's interference with my child-rearing? Because I don't raise my children the way she raised me so thinks I'm not doing a good job disciplining them. She gives me advice all the time to be more authoritarian and use more punishment, and she tries to discipline the children without asking my permission.(Parent #2) - How do you deal with grandparents who never stop giving gifts to your children? I try to limit gift giving to special occasions so that my kids aren't constantly asking for things whenever we go into a store. When I explain to their grandparents that they're training my kids to expect presents and treats all the time, the reply I get is that it's a grandparent's prerogative to spoil their grandchildren. Help!

Let's consider the needs of all three generations: your parents, yourself, and your children.

Your children need to be accepted as they are, given lots of love, disciplined in a loving manner so that they will learn to respect the needs of others, and allowed enough independence to learn to manage their lives responsibly.

It is your responsibility as the parent to ensure these needs are met, and that no one, even family members, interferes with this.

Addressing Your Own Needs

Your needs as a parent are similar to your children’s: to be loved and accepted as you are, given corrective feedback in a loving and respectful manner, and respected in your role as the parent.

The Needs of Your Parents

Your parents also have parallel needs.

They need to be accepted as they are, welcomed, and enjoyed within the family.

They need to have a role they can fill so that they don’t feel cast aside.

Listening to them, even when they disagree with you, is important.

At times, however, limits need to be set if they are being disrespectful of your authority in your home.

Considering Everyone’s Needs

When deciding how to handle situations, be sure to consider the needs of everyone involved.

Our society tends to devalue the older generation, unlike aboriginal cultures, which value and respect the elders.

All grandparents—whether they are the spoiling kind, the punishing kind, or somewhere in between—need to feel valued and have a role in their grandchildren’s lives.

Managing Grandparental Feedback

Many grandparents struggle to know how to be helpful without being in charge.

If you are secure in your parenting role, show them respect by listening thoughtfully to their feedback.

However, make it clear that you are now the parent and will make the final decisions about your children’s upbringing.

Insist that these discussions happen respectfully and out of earshot of the children.

Gift-Giving Boundaries

For example, grandparents who love to buy gifts need to be generous, but without encouraging greed in the children.

Instead of stopping gift-giving, you could request that your parents only buy gifts if the child hasn’t asked for one.

This way, the children can enjoy their grandparents’ love without learning to be demanding.

Handling Punitive Grandparents

The punitive grandparents are more challenging.

Make it clear that if you tell them not to spank or call names, they must respect those boundaries.

Since their behavior is abusive by your standards, you must set firm limits.

If they don’t respect those limits, enforce them by asking them to leave or not leaving the children alone with them.

Respecting Grandparents' Intentions

Remember, they have needs too.

They are doing their best based on what they’ve learned, and they may not understand your parenting methods.

Rather than cutting them out of your life, offer them another chance.

Invite them to attend a parenting course with you so that you can all learn more appropriate parenting techniques together.

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