Don't Pass Your Fears To Your Child

I was sexually abused as a child, and am now the mother of a very young daughter. I need to learn how to foster her self-esteem and not put onto her the negative things that I think, say and feel, particularly with regard to men.‍

You sound as if you know intellectually that what you think, say, and feel about men is not the truth about most men, only about a few. I assume that it's your emotions that are stuck in the past, coming from the time when you were sexually abused.

The most important thing for you to do for your daughter is to work on your own issues. You need therapy that allows you to work through the feelings and memories of the abuse.

This will help them to be resolved and not projected onto the present. If you can't afford a private therapist, you can get help at the Women's Sexual Assault Centre after a waiting period.

The more you work on your own self-esteem and attitudes toward men, the better role model you provide for your daughter.

Recognize When Emotions Are From the Past

In the meantime, you must learn to recognize when your emotional reactions are coming from the past. These feelings may be inappropriate to the present situation.

Whenever this starts to happen, close your mouth and take a time out. This will prevent you from saying things to your daughter that might distort her view of the world.

You might want to keep a record of what you say or do that could influence her negatively. Monitoring this may help you become aware and reduce it.

Check Your Perceptions with a Friend

You might develop a habit of checking your perceptions of men with a friend who has not been abused. This can help you correct any biases.

Of course, your friend may be naive about dangers, just as you may be seeing danger where there isn't any. It's important to have a balanced view.

Build Healthy Friendships with Men

Another helpful thing you can do is to develop some healthy friendships for both you and your daughter with men of all ages. This will provide both of you with corrective emotional experiences.

Most men do not look at children sexually. Many men can offer your daughter a healthy and safe experience of the masculine.

If you're unsure about your judgment, discuss your male friends with your therapist. You can also consult female friends who have good judgment.

Techniques for Building Your Daughter’s Self-Esteem

In terms of your daughter's self-esteem, you need to learn some practical techniques for boosting it. Parenting courses and books usually offer helpful ideas.

Sexual abuse often happens in the context of verbal and emotional abuse. It may be second nature for you to put your daughter down or undermine her confidence because of your fears.

You must stop yourself from being overprotective. Self-esteem means loving the real self.

Encouraging Your Child’s Self-Esteem

A child with self-esteem believes she is lovable and is loved for who she is. This allows her to measure herself not by someone else’s standards, but by her own unique gifts.

She also believes she is competent enough to handle most of life’s challenges. There are a few important ways you can help your child develop her self-esteem.

Actions to Foster Your Child’s Self-Esteem

Spend time playing with her and let her take the lead. Listen to her and accept her feelings without judgment.

Encourage her to develop her own unique interests and ideas. Allow her to make decisions about her life at an age-appropriate level.

Help her develop competence to protect herself. Separate behavior from character when you discipline her—affirm that she is a good person who can learn to control her actions.

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