Establishing Boundaries with Children

How do you establish boundaries with your children?

Interpersonal boundaries can be defined as invisible lines, or "bubbles," that separate people or groups of people.

A healthy family is one where each member can be loved and still be themselves at the same time.

These boundaries around each family member protect their right to be who they are.

Each child, adult, and relationship within the family needs its own protective boundary.

Establishing Boundaries Begins With Values

Creating boundaries starts with establishing family values.

The Golden Rule is a universal value found in all cultures: Treat others the way you would like them to treat you.

For children, a simpler version could be: Your freedom to swing your arm ends where my nose begins.

Boundaries are essential for maintaining a healthy family dynamic.

Within these boundaries set by parents, a child can develop their own sense of self.

Because that sense of self is protected, the child can feel loved for who they are, while respecting others and their choices.

Teaching Children to Respect Others' Boundaries

Children are naturally egocentric, and they must be taught where others' boundaries lie.

For example, a two-year-old may not realize they are causing pain when they hit someone; they only notice the reaction they get.

Similarly, a teenager may not understand the stress they cause when adding to an adult's workload unless they are taught.

Limits serve as statements of people's boundaries.

It is not selfish for a parent to set limits around their own needs, such as needing sleep or time alone.

These limits help children learn about boundaries and the Golden Rule.

As the child grows, you can introduce family values that stem from the Golden Rule, like respect for others' property, body privacy, and kindness towards animals.

Using Empathy and Consequences

Sometimes limits need to be reinforced with consequences.

However, empathy training—helping children understand what it feels like for someone who has been harmed—tends to be more effective than scolding or punishing.

It also helps when a child is allowed to make amends, as long as their apology is sincere.

Respecting Children's Boundaries

Boundaries are fundamentally about respect, and we often expect children to respect us while failing to respect them.

If an older child doesn’t respect boundaries, it’s often because their own boundaries have been violated.

For example, children who steal from their parents often come from households where their own private property isn’t respected.

If you want your child to respect your belongings, you must also respect their ownership of their toys and money.

If you don’t want your child to walk into your room without knocking, don’t do it to them.

It’s important to respect your child’s choices—whether it's about clothing, activities, or friends—as long as those choices aren't harmful.

Leading by Example

Children learn the most from the example you set.

If you want them to respect boundaries, show them how by respecting their boundaries.

When we respect their boundaries and teach them to do the same, children will grow up understanding and valuing personal space, limits, and the importance of mutual respect.

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