Fighting Over Fashion

Our three-year-old loves to dress herself and has strong opinions about what she wants to wear every day. I'm often embarrassed when we go out, feeling like I need to explain to everyone why she's wearing such unusual outfits. The morning fights are exhausting. Any suggestions?

A Memorable Story

The best story I've heard on this topic comes from my colleague, parent educator Allison Rees. Her husband returned from the swimming pool with their daughter, Lexie, during the Lion King movie craze:

"I asked my husband where Lexie's clothes were. He pointed to a pile of orange fluff on the floor. I couldn't see her clothes and asked again. He sternly pointed to the pile. Confused, I walked over and, lo and behold, it was her Lion King outfit! I want you to picture this: it's a full-body costume with a protruding stomach, long tail, and a full mane.

'She wore her Lion King outfit to the swimming pool?' I asked.
'Yup,' Bruce replied, 'She not only wore it to swimming, but also to Thrifty's and Jarryd's school.'

Then, to really drive the point home, he quoted Barbara Coloroso: 'It's not life-threatening, and it's not morally threatening.'

I realized he was being big enough to allow our child to be who she was, where I might have squabbled with Lexie over that..."

Understanding Your Child’s Choices

Like Lexie, your three-year-old is trying to become her own person and discover what she likes and doesn't like. The biggest problem with your daughter's choice of clothing is probably your own parental embarrassment.

Other adults often expect us to have our children "properly" dressed and may judge us as incompetent if they aren't. But, as long as a child is warm and dry, does it really matter if she's wearing something unusual, if her clothes don't match, or if she's wearing winter clothes in the summer?

Why Choice Matters

Allowing your child to choose her own clothing demonstrates to her that she can have input into her own life—something most three-year-olds don't have much of. It sends the message that it's her life, not yours, and that she is entitled to have likes and dislikes and make choices as long as there's no danger involved. It shows that you have confidence in and respect for her choices.

This is an important message that can help produce a confident, secure child rather than a fearful little robot.

Reconsider the Morning Fights

Your peer group's superficial judgment of your parenting isn't a good enough reason to engage in "morning fights" with your child about her clothing. Save the limit-setting for important issues, like not hitting people, and enjoy your child as an individual. She will soon tire of wearing clothing that others find strange.

The Outcome of Letting Go

Here's the outcome of my friend's story:

"Interestingly enough, natural consequences stopped Lexie from wearing that outfit again. She got really angry every time her tail got caught in those double doors at the pool, and if you don't go fast enough at Thrifty's with the electric ones, you're never going to make it to the cookie section on time! She also didn't like all the oohs and ahhs from strangers."

My own children have had similar experiences. For example, they decided to put on coats after experiencing getting too cold. Letting them make these decisions themselves saves a lot of nagging, fighting, and parental "wear and tear."