Frustrated Father

The Situation

I have a 12-year-old (nearly 13) daughter who is extremely immature and acts like she’s 7 or 8. She never cleans up after herself, forgets everything we say to her, and always forgets what she’s supposed to do. She never listens to any of us. She leaves everything she uses around, can’t take care of anything she owns or has borrowed, and constantly picks on her brother, even after fines were placed on her. I am at my wits’ end with this girl. Every second of the day, I am keeping after her. She is so incompetent that she can’t complete a job without our help. She puts such a strain on all of us. HELP!!!
— Frustrated Father

Understanding the Dynamics

I understand your frustration, and any parent who has gone through this can relate to dealing with a child who seems to have tuned you out and doesn't appear to care about other family members. This pattern is common between parents and their pre-teen or teen children.

Your daughter is at a stage of development where she needs more independence and control over her life. However, independence comes with responsibility, and both she and her parents want her to become more responsible. Unfortunately, the typical way for parents to encourage responsibility is by telling her what to do and constantly reminding her when she doesn't follow through. This approach makes her feel even less in control of her own life.

The Cycle of Resistance

The only way your daughter can feel any control is to resist her parents’ directions. The more you tell her what to do, the more she resists, either actively by yelling and fighting or passively by ignoring instructions. Your frustration then leads to more nagging, criticism, and punishment, which only worsens the situation. This undermines the parent-child relationship, and the child learns to ignore her parents completely to feel like her life is her own. At the same time, her self-esteem declines because she constantly receives messages from her parents that she is irresponsible and selfish. Anger and resentment build up on both sides, communication breaks down, and she becomes at risk for more rebellious behavior as she enters her teens.

Breaking the Cycle

1. Repair the Relationship
The first step is to recognize that your relationship with your daughter needs repairing. You need to build up your "emotional bank account" with her, as there is currently very little trust, security, or love. The negative interactions need to stop, and you need to spend positive time together so that your daughter recognizes you care about her, even if you are frustrated with her behavior.

2. Recognize the Source of Resistance
Understand that your daughter's resistance to your directions comes from a positive source—her need for independence and control over her own life. Give her the chance to take more responsibility by stepping back from directing her every move.

Strategies to Foster Responsibility

1. Identify Whose Problem It Is
Think about all the behavior issues your daughter is displaying and decide whose problem each is—hers or yours.

• If something is her problem (e.g., her homework, her room, her possessions, taking her lunch to school, borrowing from friends, and having clean clothes), stay out of it. Let her experience the natural consequences of her actions, such as not replacing things she loses or damages. Don't mention these things or tell her to shape up. Let her figure it out. You may inform her that you realize you've been over-involved in matters that are her business and plan to back off.
• If something is your problem (e.g., things left around the house or items she borrows from you), address it accordingly. Confiscate things she leaves around for a period of time or refuse to lend her anything as a result of her not returning them. Do this without nagging, using simple consequences related to the problem behaviors. Avoid fining her; instead, she should learn how to handle money responsibly, which she won't learn if she has none.

2. Sibling Conflicts
Picking on her brother is not your problem; it is an issue between your daughter and her brother, assuming he is more than five years old. Don’t step in to take sides. Younger children can provoke older ones to lash out, knowing parents will step in and side with them. This can make the older child feel bad. Instead, establish that their rooms are their own territories, and if one is upset with the other, they can retreat to their room. They need to learn to work it out independently. You can provide individual coaching if necessary, but don't act as a judge.

3. Chores and Responsibilities
Chores should be negotiated between parent and child, allowing the child some say in what tasks they perform. Discuss which chores she prefers, and give her choices. Include tasks like cooking, which she may enjoy. Then agree on a deadline for completing the chores and a privilege that will be removed if they aren't done by that time. Don’t just dictate terms—let her have input. If she doesn’t know how to do a task, teach her once, then step back and avoid nagging. If the deadline passes without the chores being done, remove the agreed-upon privilege.

In Summary

• Recognize your daughter's need for independence.
• Stop nagging and back off from problems that are hers to solve.
• Negotiate chores and deadlines.
• Build positive feelings between you by spending quality time together.

By doing this, you will help improve her self-esteem, increase her ability to handle her own life, and build her confidence that you believe in her. These are essential for her successful transition through adolescence.