Getting Teens to Be Responsible

I have a 14-year-old daughter. We have been very fortunate, and the kids have experienced some good things in life—especially my oldest, being the first of four kids. However, since my husband and I split up two years ago, things have become much more difficult for me financially. My kids seem to think that things are still the same—that money appears whenever they want it.

I am now trying to better myself by going back to school to upgrade my skills. Money is tight, and tensions are high. My oldest daughter doesn’t seem to want to help in any way. Everything I ask her to do feels like a chore to her. I know kids are egocentric, but I can't shoulder all of this without some help. My other kids are better helpers than her, but it still takes a lot of work to get them to pitch in. I've tried writing things down, yelling, and doing everything I can think of, but now I am frustrated. Help!

Understanding Teen Behavior

There is a lot that kids don’t understand about how things work in the "real world" of adulthood. Teenagers often seem to know so much because they can talk like adults. However, their capacity for language can hide the fact that they still have difficulty seeing things from other people's viewpoints, especially regarding finances.

For example, when I worked for Mental Health, we tried a cooperative game in which each player had to voluntarily give others pieces that fit their puzzles to complete a joint puzzle. A group of adults solved it in 20 minutes. A group of teenagers gave up after two hours.

Until they earn their own income and use it to pay for rent and food, teens and young adults may not fully understand budgeting. So you just have to be firm. Perhaps you could do some math with your oldest daughter so she can see how much money there is and where it needs to go.

Teaching Financial Responsibility

If you’re able, it’s wise to give each child an allowance appropriate to their age. The idea is that the allowance contains all the money they will receive from you, and it should be enough to cover their basic weekly expenses. Teenagers can include clothing money in their allowance. This teaches kids to budget and spend wisely, and it allows you to know your weekly expenses.

Addressing Household Responsibilities

The situation regarding workload is similar, and it can be frustrating for parents—even if it’s typical for teenagers. Kids don’t always understand the complexities of adult life. You sound very tired, and when we’re tired, we run out of resources and end up yelling or becoming martyrs. Ensure you take time for yourself, and do something other than work and parenting.

Make sure that personal chores, which kids are old enough to handle, are their own responsibility. For example:

• Any child older than eleven can do their own laundry and change their own sheets.
• At seven or eight, they can make their lunch for school and tidy their own rooms.
• They can use an alarm clock to wake up in the morning.

You don’t need to be responsible for these tasks. A teenager's room is entirely their own business.

Setting Up a Family Chore System

Plan a monthly family meeting where chores are decided on by all. Include cooking—teens often hate cleaning but love to cook. Perhaps the older children could each take one or two days a week to handle the cooking. For less enjoyable chores, like cleaning bathrooms and washing dishes, you could rotate responsibilities, so it isn’t always the same person's job. Set a time or day by which each chore must be completed. Link other privileges (like going out with friends or having friends over) to the completion of chores.

Then step back, and don’t give reminders except to young children. Make sure the privileges don’t happen until and unless the chores are done. Phrase it positively and pleasantly:
“You can go out as soon as the dishes are done,” rather than, “You can't go out until you've done your chores.”

Keeping Workloads Reasonable

Ensure the workloads are reasonable. Kids have homework and need time for other developmental tasks, such as learning social skills through peer interaction. They shouldn’t have chores that take more than half an hour daily or two hours on the weekend. Perhaps some things can be let go, such as vacuuming the house only once a week.

During this meeting, you can also explain allowances, negotiate the amount each child will receive, and state clearly that you will no longer give out money on demand. Don’t whine, complain, or yell—just make it clear that this is how it has to be now, so you can manage the family budget and teach them to manage money.

Revisiting and Adjusting the Plan

Revisit these issues at a new meeting each month so chores can be rotated, and agreements can be adjusted to fit each person’s needs and outside responsibilities.

It will take time for all family members to adjust, but your children will be relieved that you are setting up a clear structure for how things are done and that you are no longer nagging and yelling.