Gifts and Disabilities

My eldest child has a learning disability while his two younger siblings are "normal" learners. They are all in school and the younger ones have passed their older brother in virtually all areas of learning. Lately they have started to tease and belittle him when he says or does something "dumb." They seem to have become so cruel, and I'm not sure how to handle this situation.

We live in a society that divides us into "winners" and "losers" based on success in competitive areas. A cartoon of Ms. and Mr. North America illustrates this, with each character portrayed as a winner. He has his hockey stick, muscles, and intellectual accomplishments; she has her briefcase and baby.

This process of sorting out winners and losers begins early, starting in school. The peer group and even teachers encourage competition, rewarding children for being "the best" in academics, sports, and other areas. Even children of parents who don't buy into society's values will acquire them in school. I have seen this process unfold in my own children and remember experiencing it myself.

The Foundation of True Self-Esteem

True self-esteem is not rooted in competition with others but in esteeming the self—liking yourself just as you are, with your unique combination of gifts and disabilities. It's crucial that all three of your children learn this lesson, especially the "normal" ones, as society tends to reward them for excelling.

However, being "the best" is a very vulnerable foundation for self-esteem because it constantly needs to be maintained. "Winners" whose self-esteem is based on surpassing others often feel anxious and vulnerable when someone threatens their superiority. As a result, they may put others down to maintain their self-worth. This is how "in-groups" at school form, with children banding together to ridicule the "losers" to preserve their sense of superiority.

Questioning Society’s Basis for Evaluation

Sooner or later, everyone experiences being a "loser." Those who experience it earlier in life may actually be luckier if they use it as an opportunity to question the flawed basis on which society evaluates people.

The reality is that we are not our gifts. Our abilities, looks, intellect, and body are merely the raw material we are given to work with. That's why they are called "gifts"—they are given to us; they are not us.

Identifying with the Self Beyond Abilities

The only real and lasting basis for self-esteem is to identify with and esteem the self, the person behind the gifts. This individual can choose to use their gifts for good or waste them on trivial goals like surpassing others. What truly matters is not the gifts we have but how we choose to use them.

When we stop comparing ourselves to others and focus on goals like helping others or contributing to the world, self-esteem comes as a natural by-product.

Teaching Children Alternative Values

As parents, it is our responsibility to teach this to our children and demonstrate it in our own lives. We can discuss the idea that everyone has abilities and disabilities—because we all do. We can point out examples like wheelchair athletes, whose character shines through despite their apparent lack of certain gifts.

It's essential to express appreciation for our children for who they are, rather than what they accomplish or how they surpass others. Teaching them empathy for others who are different is crucial as well.

Empathy Training for Children

Empathy training involves helping a child imagine themselves in someone else's shoes. There are games in which wealthy people learn to imagine being poor, sighted people imagine being blind, or intellectually capable people imagine being learning disabled. These activities help children understand that chance distributes our gifts, but it is we who create our character.

Addressing Cruelty Between Siblings

As parents, you must not only explicitly teach these alternative values but also set clear limits on your "normal" children's cruel behavior toward their brother. Cruelty is simply not acceptable and must have consequences, such as the removal of privileges.

You could set up a chart to count the insults and reward them for each day without insults. In addition, you can teach your learning-disabled son to stand up for himself and equip him with some snappy comebacks so that he does not feel as disabled in his interactions with his younger siblings.

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