Help! I've Messed Up My Kids!

Now that my son and daughter are teenagers, it seems the parenting mistakes I've made stand out glaringly. I get so down on myself. What can I do at this point?

Don't Judge Yourself During Their Adolescence

Your children's adolescence is the worst time to judge your own parenting! In their efforts to become independent human beings, previously pleasant and thoughtful kids can become self-centered, arrogant, and rude. This does not necessarily reflect on your parenting. Adolescence is a developmental stage, involving the child's preparation to move into the wider world beyond the home and develop an independent life. Negative behaviors appear during this stage that may never appear again. So, don't be quick to judge yourself just because your children are teenagers.

Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson's Advice for Parenting Teens

Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson offers the following advice to parents of teens:

1. Minimize your rules.
2. Be consistent with the rules you have.
3. Ignore your child's verbal flak.
4. Be positive.
5. Spend one-on-one time with your child.
6. "Roll with the punches."

He also suggests looking in on your little darlings when they are asleep to remind yourself how angelic they can be when their mouths are closed! In other words, adolescence happens to all kids, and although it differs in severity, it's a necessary part of growing up. All teens become pretty unpleasant at times, especially to their parents.

The Role of Temperament in Adolescence

A child's individual temperament plays a significant part in how they experience adolescence. A child who is naturally cautious and learns from watching is less likely to plunge into dangerous activities than a child who is naturally impulsive and learns through direct experience. That cautious child may still be unpleasant at home for a few years—but at least you can sleep at night!

On the other hand, the extroverted, exploratory kid is more likely to experiment with the things we all fear (sex, drugs, and hanging around with criminals). This is not necessarily because you've been a "bad parent." Loving and moral parents often have teenagers whose desire to rescue less fortunate friends leads them into dangerous situations.

Common Family Situations Leading to Teen Trouble

When I've worked with teenagers who get into major trouble, I've found the following kinds of family situations:

1. Serious Abuse or Neglect
   Children who experience abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional) or neglect often take to the streets when they are able, becoming prey for pimps and pushers.
2. Overprotectiveness
   Parents who don't trust their children's ability to make decisions and take care of themselves at age-appropriate levels often provoke rebellion. Adolescents are driven by new hormones and brain development toward independence—a necessary shift just before adulthood. If parents resist these changes rather than support them, conflict grows, and teens act out more extremely.
3. Enmeshment
   Parents whose lives revolve entirely around their children may struggle to let them grow up. All of us grieve as our children prepare to leave the nest, but if we don't have a life independent of them, we may cling too tightly. It's normal for a teenager to want privacy and to share less time and fewer thoughts with their parents. Pressing them to remain close may push them to pull away and lie to maintain their privacy.
4. Spoiling
   If a parent consistently gives in to a child's demands, without standing up for their own rights or allowing the child to face natural consequences (like bad grades or forgotten lunches), the child may remain immature into their teens. They may expect the world to bend to their demands, becoming more demanding and egocentric.

Dealing with Parenting Mistakes

As you examine your parenting history, consider what mistakes you think you have made. Dealing with past mistakes involves:

1. Apologizing and making amends.
2. Changing your behavior so that those mistakes aren't repeated.

Teenagers have discovered that their parents make mistakes and will often welcome apologies. You could write your children a letter of apology if you believe you have genuinely made mistakes. You also need to resolve to change your behavior so that you don't continue to parent in ways detrimental to your child's growth.

Moving Forward with Confidence

Most teenagers pull out of their rebellious behavior and become sane, responsible adults. You need to express confidence that your son and daughter can do this. Take responsibility for the parts of their problem behaviors that genuinely arise from your parenting. But don't keep beating yourself up over your mistakes. We do the best we can at the time, with the information we have.

Apologize, change your behavior, and do the best you can now with your new knowledge. And don't blame yourself for teenage behaviors that are symptoms of adolescence or your child's individual temperament rather than poor parenting.