"I never let my Schooling Interfere with my education"

My 11 year old gets so stressed out over homework and school work that he has started having anxiety attacks at night. He can't settle into sleep as he spirals into a frenzied state. It seems that his teachers are constantly giving the class messages that they aren't going to succeed in the older grades if they don't buckle down now.

One of the things I'm very thankful for in my own parents is their relative lack of emphasis on school work, especially on grades. They didn't interfere with our developing a natural love for learning that has stayed with us.

Mark Twain once wrote, "I never let my schooling interfere with my education," and this has been my motto. My parents let us know they had confidence in our ability to succeed academically, but made it clear that grades weren't as important as finding paths suited to our creativity and contributions to the world.

The Impact of Intrinsic Motivation

It's essential to ensure our children grow up loving to learn, rather than being anxious about grades or perfect performance.

Research shows that extrinsic rewards, like grades or money, can diminish intrinsic motivation—the joy of learning for its own sake.

Young children naturally love learning, whether it’s talking, climbing, or helping with chores. However, this excitement often fades as they grow older due to external pressures and rewards.

School Performance vs. Enjoyment of Learning

Your son seems to associate schoolwork with anxiety rather than accomplishment.

It’s important to shift this mindset by reassuring him that you believe in his abilities and emphasizing that school should be about learning, not just about grades.

Help him feel confident in balancing schoolwork with a personal and social life. Avoid offering rewards for grades like A’s or B’s, which can shift his focus away from the learning process.

Demystifying Schoolwork and Study Habits

Higher grades usually require more time and organization, but the work itself isn't necessarily harder.

Help your son organize his study schedule and create a manageable routine. Provide a regular study space and ensure he knows how to track assignments and deadlines.

Every child has different study preferences—some prefer silence, others like music. Allow him to work in ways that are most comfortable for him, but ensure there’s time for both schoolwork and relaxation.

Parental Advocacy in School

Parents have a responsibility to advocate for their children when the schoolwork isn't suitable.

For example, when my son was given repetitive math problems he had already mastered, I stepped in and asked the teacher to assign him something more challenging.

This helped revive his interest in the subject.

If the workload is too much, monotonous, or inappropriate for your child’s abilities, talk to the teacher. Chances are, other students are facing similar difficulties.