Jealousy

My 5-year-old daughter is extremely jealous of her two-year-old brother. If he sits on my knee, she won't sit with him but goes into a corner and pouts. If he's playing with a toy, she grabs it from him, or if he has a blanket, she snatches it away, often knocking him over. How can I handle this?

Understanding Jealousy

Jealousy is very normal when a child has been the only child and a sibling comes along. Your daughter was the center of everyone's attention, the "cute little one," and now her place seems to have been taken by her baby brother. To understand how she feels, imagine your partner brought home a new, younger spouse and told you to help look after them, let them use your personal possessions, and share time with them. Even if they explained that the new person needs special attention because they're younger, it wouldn't erase the resentment or the feeling of being replaced.

Responding to Your Child's Feelings

It takes patience and understanding to accept a child's jealousy while also setting boundaries around their behavior. Here are some steps you can take:

1. Acknowledge Her Feelings: It’s important to understand how your daughter feels about being replaced as the youngest and most special family member. You can acknowledge her feelings with words like, “It's hard for you when he gets all the attention."
2. Offer Special Attention: Give her special attention to help balance what she feels she’s losing. Sometimes, this might mean allowing her some privileges she would have had when she was younger, just so she doesn’t feel left out. Remind her of how she was treated when she was her brother's age and emphasize that you love her just as much as you love him. Highlight the special privileges she has because she's older.
3. Ensure 1:1 Time: Make sure your daughter gets some one-on-one time with you if possible. This can help compensate for the biggest loss a child feels when a younger sibling arrives. If another parent or grandparent is available, ask them to watch her brother so you and your daughter can have this special time together. Let her know that if she wants time with you, she can ask, and you will find a moment just for the two of you. When you spend time with her brother, remind her that she gets her special time too.

Setting Boundaries and Teaching Values

While it’s important to empathize with her feelings, you also need to set limits on certain behaviors:

1. Establish Clear Boundaries: Make it clear that it isn’t okay to hit, pinch, or grab things from her brother. Instead of spending time scolding or punishing, focus on helping her understand empathy. If she hits or pinches him, comfort him and ask her how she would feel if an older kid hit or pinched her. Teach her the principle: “We don’t do to others what we don’t want others to do to us.”
2. Teach About Ownership: This is a great time to teach about personal property by assigning some to each child. You can say, "You can keep the toys you don't want him to touch over here, out of his reach. And you need to leave his blanket alone because it's his, just like your special truck is yours. He can't touch your truck, and you can't touch his blanket."
3. Encourage Conflict Resolution Skills: As your children grow, coach them on how to resolve their conflicts at each age. If you can do this well, by the time they reach their late teens, they could become the best of friends.

A Positive Outlook for the Future

Sibling relationships can evolve beautifully over time. When my younger son got married, his older brother gave a heartfelt speech about him, bringing tears to everyone’s eyes, saying how important his brother was in his life. I was so grateful, remembering how they used to fight when they were younger. They overcame their jealousy and have become the best of friends. Hopefully, with patience and understanding, your children will be able to do the same.