Learning to Separate

I have been home with my five-year-old since his birth, but just recently, I started working part-time with irregular hours. Now, my son refuses to leave my side. He thinks that if he doesn't see me, I will leave, and I can't even go to the restroom without him throwing a fit. I don't know what to do. My husband gets upset with me and blames me, and I also blame myself because I never let him stay over at relatives' homes. I know I am overly protective of my children. What can I do? How do I help him to be more independent?

A Big Adjustment for Both of You

This is a big adjustment for both you and your son. I always tell parents of younger children to go out sometimes and leave the child with a sitter, so the child can learn early on that if you leave, you will always come back. A child who has never been left doesn't have the assurance that a parent's leaving isn't permanent.

Moving Past the Blame

However, that's all "water under the bridge" now, and blaming yourself will do no good, nor will your husband blaming you. Blame is like a "ball of fire" that we throw around at one another when we are frustrated, and it can destroy families. The important thing is to acknowledge the past mistakes and move on.

Communicate Clearly with Your Child

Your son is old enough for explanations. Tell him that you are not going to go out without him knowing, so he doesn't need to worry that you will leave behind his back. While it may be tempting to sneak out to avoid a fuss, this will only make him more anxious in the long run. Assure him that you will always let him know before you go.

Each time you have to leave, explain to him in clear, simple language where you are going and when you will be back. If possible, show him your workplace, so he knows where you are when you're not with him.

Encourage Independence Gradually

When your son is with your husband, relatives, or a reliable sitter, and you know he's safe, turn your back and go to work. Don't make yourself late by hanging around until he calms down, because if this happens, he will learn not to calm down. If his caregivers have difficulty handling him, they can promise him an incentive like a snack or a video if he cooperates. They can also remind him where you are and when you will be back. Teaching him to tell time can help him understand when you’re coming back.

Introduce Social Activities

Since your son is five, he might also benefit from "going out" himself to a playgroup or activity with other children his age. After all, he will be starting school soon, and he needs to learn to socialize and handle separations, so he'll be ready when school begins.