Minding Your Kids' Business
I got in trouble with my son about my last column. I inadvertently put in his name, so of course his friends got hold of the column and teased him about it. Naturally he was upset with me for violating his privacy by making our home life public.
This got me thinking.
We parents so often think we "own" our children and see them as part of our identity rather than as separate people whose privacy and decisions we need to respect.
Faber and Mazlish, in How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, list several parental habits that reduce a child's sense of being an independent person.
These include:
- Taking over for a child when the child needs to learn to do something new or difficult, like opening a jar.
- Picking at a child's body—brushing hair out of her eyes or tucking in his shirt.
- Answering for a child or talking about him in his presence.
- Nagging.
All these things make a child feel like a possession rather than a person.
Nagging and Its Effects
A lot of children's resistance to parents' requests comes from nagging.
Nagging and its effects are as irritating to the parent as they are to the child.
Nagging occurs when both parent and child assume that it’s the parent's responsibility to see that the child gets out of bed, puts on his coat, gets ready for bed, does his homework, and so on.
But all children really want to be in charge of their own lives.
So when the parent gives a nagging reminder, the child resists being controlled by delaying, complaining, or using other tactics.
This resistance happens because the child wants to take responsibility and accomplish things on his own—not because his parent told him to.
The Vicious Cycle of Nagging and Yelling
Resisted nagging often leads to yelling, and the child learns not to comply until the parent yells.
This creates an unhappy relationship between parent and child, with both parties feeling frustrated.
When the Tables Turn: Kids Nagging Parents
Now that my kids are older, I find that they tend to nag me!
They nag me about getting ready fast enough in the morning so they won’t be late for school, or remembering to buy things they need.
They nag because they don’t trust that I’ll do these things on my own.
And their nagging leads me to take less responsibility because I know I can rely on them to remind me.
The Handbrake Incident: A Personal Example of Nagging
Two summers ago, my daughter and I rented a car to drive around the British Isles.
Now, I’ve had a driver’s license for almost 40 years and owned a car for over 30 years, but on one occasion I forgot to set the handbrake.
From that moment on, my daughter reminded me to put on the handbrake every time I parked.
And guess what? I consistently forgot to do it!
She didn’t stop nagging until one day I realized what was happening and yelled at her.
After that, I had to make a huge effort to remind myself to put on the handbrake—something I do every single day at home.
The Consequences of Nagging
That’s what happens when you nag.
The person being nagged—whether it’s your spouse, child, or even parent—gives up an area of their independent, responsible functioning and turns it over to you.
Nagging results in less responsibility on the part of the person being nagged.
Breaking the Nagging Cycle
When you stop nagging, it will take a bit of time for the person to realize that they’re truly on their own in this area of responsibility.
But it will happen eventually—if you let them be in charge of their own life.
