My Home, My Room

My children (12, 9, and 7) leave their stuff everywhere, and their rooms are really messy.

How do I deal with this?

A Tale of Two Households: A Home for Kids vs. a Display House

I grew up in a family with five children, and all the kids in the neighborhood played at our house.

The people next door had two children and a perfect house, but no one played there.

Everyone knew that our house was a home for children, while theirs was a display house meant to impress adults.

Of course, we had room for my father’s study, where he would retreat when the mess and noise became too much.

Making Your Home Their Home

It’s important that children feel your home is their home as well.

After all, it’s the only home they have.

If adults say, "This is my house" because they own it, they leave their children feeling homeless.

I’ve provided psychotherapy to several adults who were traumatized as children or teens by parents who gave them this message.

Allowing Children to Have a Presence in Shared Spaces

When your home is also your children’s home, they are entitled to be in most of the rooms and to have something that represents them in those rooms.

When my three children (now grown) lived at home, each had their own "pile of stuff" on the floor in the main area of the house.

They could have easily put it in their rooms, but they seemed to need to claim some of the main territory as their own.

They didn’t leave things everywhere if they had their designated piles of stuff.

These piles may not have looked pretty to visitors, but they sent a clear message that the home belonged to the kids as well as the adults.

Addressing the Neatness of Shared Spaces: A Family Matter

The neatness of the kitchen, living room, bathrooms, and other shared areas of the house is a family issue.

It needs to be discussed with all family members who are old enough to participate.

As long as each child feels the home is theirs and has a place for their things in the main area, they may be more willing to keep things put away.

They can also participate in vacuuming and cleaning counters, learning how to maintain shared spaces while contributing to the family.

Bedrooms: A Different Issue

The children’s own bedrooms are a different matter.

Each person needs to have a space they can call their own, where they can have privacy and make it as messy or tidy as they please.

The mess in children’s rooms is not a family issue but a kid issue.

Letting Kids Take Ownership of Their Rooms

As long as there isn’t rotting food, parents should leave kids’ rooms alone.

Just close the door if you don’t like looking at the mess.

Don’t go in and clean up, make the bed, or even collect the laundry (they can leave it in the bathroom hamper).

If children know their rooms are truly their own, they will eventually clean them up.

They’re much more likely to do so if they know you won’t come in uninvited, nag them about it, or clean up for them.

Conclusion

While it’s important to maintain a balance between shared spaces and private spaces, giving your children ownership of both will foster responsibility and respect for the home.

Allow them to have a presence in the main areas of the house while also letting them take charge of their own rooms.

Over time, they’ll learn to manage their messes, both in the shared spaces and in their personal spaces, without constant reminders from you.

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