Parental Peer Pressure

The question this month is from me to you:

How often do you follow what your peers do, disregarding your own parenting instincts that tell you to do things differently?

I’ve consulted with many parents in this situation.

Although we want our kids to resist peer pressure, the truth is, peer pressure has a great effect on the way we parent.

Following the Trends in Parenting

A generation ago, we were all supposed to spank our children.

Now we know that was wrong.

Nowadays, we’re all expected to use Time Out, grounding, curfews, and take personal responsibility for our children's homework.

Nobody questions the effectiveness or sense of these methods because everyone uses them.

I’d like to encourage you to think for yourselves.

Don’t just use what everyone else is using if it doesn’t fit your child or your situation.

Curfews: A Personal Annoyance

Take curfews for teens, for example.

A family I know has a responsible but popular 16-year-old girl who attends a lot of parties.

Her parents feel peer pressure to set a curfew, even though this girl and her friends always have a "designated driver" at parties.

If she has, say, a 1 a.m. curfew, what are her options?

She can leave her friends two to three hours early, cutting off her social life.

If she has the family car, she can either be the only non-drinking partier or drive drunk.

If she doesn’t have the car, she can leave before the last bus (usually at midnight) or find a (potentially drunk) driver to take her home early.

None of these options make as much sense as allowing her to stay until the party ends and ride home with (or be) the sober designated driver.

Curfews Didn’t Work for My Family

None of my three children (the youngest now 18) ever had an imposed curfew—and none of them needed it.

They always told me where they were going, and I was assured of their safety.

If they were overtired the next morning, they learned from the natural consequences of their choices.

A curfew would only have created unnecessary power struggles over a nonexistent problem.

Grounding: Another Popular Choice

Grounding is a popular negative consequence for misbehavior.

It certainly punishes the child, but it also punishes the parents, who have to stay home with a miserable, sulky child.

It even punishes the child’s friends, who haven’t misbehaved but are looking forward to seeing them.

If the child decides to go out anyway, there’s a whole new issue to fight over.

Even Ann Landers assumes grounding is useful, but I’m not sure why.

Yet every parent thinks they must use it because everyone else does.

Time Out: The "1-2-3 Magic" Approach

Then there’s Time Out.

A parenting video called 1-2-3 Magic recommends Time Out as the solution to every behavior problem.

Personally, I find the 1-2-3 Magic video appalling!

The author suggests modifying children’s behavior the same way we train animals, using Time Out for every single problem.

Two warnings are allowed before the consequence is imposed, hence the "1-2-3."

The video doesn’t discuss teaching empathy, helping a child make amends, or removing a privilege.

It doesn’t consider how children feel, which may be the root of the problem.

Nor does it suggest listening to children.

Instead, it promotes using Time Out as a one-size-fits-all solution.

Time Out Has Its Place, But Not for Everything

Now, I’m not against using a short Time Out to help a child calm down when they’re too wound up or their behavior is hurting others.

But Time Out is a specific tool for a specific kind of situation—it’s not a solution to every problem.

Homework: A Responsibility That Should Be Theirs

Homework is another area where peer pressure affects parenting.

If your child has a learning disability and really needs help with organization or encouragement, it’s legitimate for you to help.

But many parents of perfectly normal children feel pressured by other parents and teachers to take responsibility for their kids’ homework.

Instead of letting the child organize their time, complete their work, and face the consequences of a poor grade if they don’t, we take over.

As a result, the child’s performance and learning becomes our project rather than their own accomplishment.

Many children learn to wait to be nagged and lose their love of learning, feeling that they are only doing the work to please us.

Children will learn to organize their own time and work if we leave it up to them.

But to allow this, we have to resist the peer pressure that tells us we’re neglectful parents if we don’t take over.

Setting an Example for Resisting Peer Pressure

We want our children to resist peer pressure.

They will follow our example.

Are we able to resist peer pressure ourselves, think through our parenting strategies, and only use methods that make sense to us—not just because the "crowd" of other parents is doing it?

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