Second Fiddle

I have a 7 yr old son, and my boyfriend of one year has a 9 yr old daughter. She used to like us and would invite us to 'sleep over' at her Dad's (whom she visits every 2nd weekend and on Wed and Thurs evenings). She no longer seems to enjoy our company and doesn't even want to go on hikes or to the beach with us. I can understand she may feel some resentment and/or jealousy, but I feel she is manipulating her dad. It works better when she can bring a friend on outings, but sometimes she can't find a friend to come. The last time we went to the beach she sat in the car and cried. What can her Dad say to comfort her? How can he let her know he needs 'a life'? How should I behave around her, smother her with attention or back off and let her come to me?

Since this girl enjoyed your company and welcomed you at first, it can’t be just that she doesn’t want her dad to have a partner.

Something must have happened to make her not want to be around you now.

My best guess is that you and her dad, being in love or needing to discuss adult issues, are paying little or no attention to the children when you're together with them.

The Importance of "Family Time"

When you spend time with children and adults, it’s important to acknowledge that you’re having “family time,” which includes the children.

This means that conversations should cover topics of interest to the kids, and activities should be shared ones that engage both children and adults.

Avoid Ignoring the Children During Adult Conversations

I’ve often seen couples at the beach or in the park ignoring the children.

The kids are left to play with one another or run alongside the adults, without being included in the conversation, which focuses solely on adult issues.

This often happens at the dinner table too.

Adults dominate the conversation, and if a child tries to shift the topic to something that interests them, the adults see it as rude.

Respecting Children's Needs

The unspoken assumption is that “children should be seen and not heard.”

However, we can’t teach kids to respect adults if we don’t respect them and their needs.

When we choose to be with kids, they deserve conversation on topics that interest them, at their level.

They need to feel involved and valued.

Sharing a Parent's Attention

Your boyfriend’s little girl has likely been used to having her dad all to herself.

It’s natural for her to struggle with sharing him with his new partner.

However, it’s important to ensure that when he’s being shared, the activities and conversations also include her.

Save romantic gestures and adult conversations for times when you are alone.

There can be plenty of such moments when he doesn’t have his little girl with him.

Why the Little Girl Feels Left Out

She is already feeling the pain of not having her dad available every day of the week.

It’s unfair if all his attention goes to you when she visits with him, which is likely why she cried.

She misses having his undivided attention.

How to Behave Around Her

So, how should you behave around her?

Listen to her.

Play with her.

Involve her in decisions about what you should do when you’re with her dad.

Respecting Her Time with Her Dad

Most importantly, respect her need to spend time with her dad.

Be willing to take a back seat when she’s with him.

You get to see him at other times—she doesn’t.

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