Sorry But I'm Not Sorry

Whenever I ask my son to apologize to someone, he stands there with a grumpy look and refuses to speak. I want him to grow up to be a polite and considerate human being. Help!

I remember doing exactly the same thing as your son when I was a child.

It just felt wrong to say "sorry" when I wasn’t really sorry.

Your son may be making a statement about the importance of honesty.

Every time you pressure him to make an apology he doesn’t mean, you’re teaching him to lie.

Is that what you want him to learn?

A child who’s been pressured to give insincere apologies may find it difficult to offer a genuine one, even when truly sorry.

Forcing apologies can turn the act of saying "sorry" into something that feels like pretense rather than genuine remorse.

Focusing on Empathy

So, if you don’t require your son to apologize when he’s hurt someone, how do you prevent him from growing up ungrateful or inconsiderate?

By teaching him empathy.

Empathy is the ability to imagine oneself in another person’s place and understand how the other person might feel.

Setting an Example

Teaching empathy begins with setting an example.

Be aware of others’ feelings, including your son’s, and apologize when you genuinely feel you’re in the wrong.

Don’t make phony apologies yourself; only apologize when you truly mean it.

A lot of people, especially women, apologize far too much.

We’ve been taught that appearing “nice” is more important than speaking the truth.

But being “nice” is not the same as being truly considerate of others.

Handling Conflicts

As you handle conflicts, talk about what you’re doing so your son can see your reasoning.

Here are three options for what to say when you’ve had a conflict with someone:

1. "I realize what I said was hurtful, and I’m truly sorry."
2. "I know you felt hurt by what I said, but I really didn’t intend to hurt you."
3. "I don’t believe I did anything wrong, so I can’t apologize."

Helping Your Son Think It Through

When your son has apparently done something that hurts someone else, help him think it through.

Ask him to imagine himself as the other person—have they really been hurt?

If not, he shouldn’t have to apologize (option 3 above).

If the person has been hurt, was it accidental, or are they just oversensitive?

That’s option 2: "I’m sorry you felt hurt, but I didn’t mean to."

Or, did your son say or do something selfish or thoughtless that he can now see would obviously hurt the other person?

That requires a real apology (option 1).

Developing Moral Maturity

If your son learns to imagine what it would be like to be the other person, and can choose freely among these options, he’s on his way to moral maturity.

While discussing situations with him, it’s important not to force him to choose the option you would prefer.

His moral integrity involves saying what is true for him, not giving up his judgment to please someone else—even his parents.

If you allow him to speak his truth while teaching him to think about others, he will grow into a caring and considerate human being, even if he doesn’t always do what you’d like him to do.

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