Stupid and Ugly?

My 10 year old daughter seems to be really hard on herself. She says things like "I am stupid, I am ugly." It really breaks my heart. Words just don't seem to make a difference. Is this a self-esteem issue? How can I help her?

It seems like it’s time to do some detective work on your part.

Something is likely making your daughter feel this way, and it’s your job not only to reassure her but also to help her discover why she feels this way.

Possible Reasons for Low Self-Esteem

Here are some possibilities to consider:

1. Media images of overly thin young women.
2. Changes in the shape of her body.
3. Some kind of failure, like a poor grade on a project or losing a friend to a rival.
4. Teasing by classmates, who often pick on anything a child is sensitive about or throw out general insults to see who reacts.
5. Ongoing verbal criticism from an angry adult.
6. Comparing herself to other girls and feeling like she comes up short.

Let Her Speak Without Interruptions

Keep these possibilities in mind, but don’t suggest to your daughter why she may feel this way.

Instead, ask her an open-ended question about why she feels stupid or ugly, and listen carefully to her answer without interrupting.

It’s very tempting to interrupt and reassure her that she is beautiful and intelligent.

But she won’t believe it just because you say it, and she may continue to seek reassurance unless you get to the root of the problem.

Let Her Reach Her Own Conclusions

Whatever the problem is, don’t rush to suggest a solution.

Allow her to come to her own conclusions.

She may realize that her failure on a school assignment had a specific cause she can change next time, or that her disloyal friend wasn’t worth having.

It’s amazing what simply listening to her can do.

If she cries, don’t try to stop it.

Allow her to express her feelings fully.

Emotions are there to point us toward things that are wrong in our lives so that we can address them.

If she learns to pay attention to her feelings, she will develop a skill that will help her throughout her life.

Next Steps After the Conversation

After she goes through this process, she may or may not need more from you—it depends on what the problem is.

• If the problem is body image: If she’s comparing herself to models or an ideal, or noticing changes in her body, it’s best that her mother talks with her rather than her father. Girls can feel embarrassed talking about these things with their dads. Reassurance and statistics about normal bodies will help, but only after she has expressed how she feels and why.
• If the problem is teasing: She may need you to intervene with the school. But don’t do this unless she agrees, as such interventions can backfire and make things more difficult for her.
• If the problem involves shaming or verbal criticism from an adult: This is the most difficult situation. If a parent, grandparent, or teacher is shaming her—telling her she looks ugly in certain clothes or that she’s stupid when she makes a mistake—this issue needs to be confronted directly. Children who are shamed or emotionally abused by adults internalize that abuse and continue to replay those negative messages to themselves, sometimes for their entire lives.

Addressing Emotional Abuse

If someone is treating your daughter this way, you need to find a way to make it stop.

If you can’t, you can try to counter the negativity with positive statements, but it’s often said that it takes nine positives to undo one negative.

It’s not always verbal abuse that causes a drop in self-esteem.

Our competitive society encourages children to compare themselves in beauty, strength, and accomplishment, deciding who the “winners” and “losers” are.

We reinforce this when we make such comparisons, especially when our children come out on top.

However, they learn that our appreciation is conditional on their being better than others, and later they devalue themselves when they don’t do as well or have a “bad hair day.”

Stop Evaluating and Start Appreciating

It’s important that we stop evaluating our children, both positively and negatively.

Instead, express appreciation for them at all times and teach them to tune in to their emotions for clues about what’s bothering them and how to address those issues.

Conclusion: Helping Your Daughter Understand Herself

By listening, allowing her to express her feelings, and helping her find her own solutions, you can guide your daughter toward understanding and resolving the underlying issues behind her low self-esteem.

This process will not only help her feel better but will also equip her with important life skills.