A parent is struggling with their 11- and 13-year-old children who refuse to take on household responsibilities, exhibiting laziness, messiness, and disrespect. Despite implementing consequences, the behavior persists, leading the parent to feel resentful and self-critical.
My kids (aged 11 and 13) won't take any responsibility around the house. They are lazy, messy, and disrespectful. I have tried using consequences, but they don't work. I am getting so resentful that I don't even like myself anymore! Is it too late to create some changes?
I've been putting off answering this question for months, and I just realized it's because it's a hard question! There isn't an easy answer. A pattern has been established, involving all members of the family, and in order to change the pattern, you have to figure out what it is. test
Here are the ABCs of behavior:
Any person's behavior results from its antecedents (the things that happen just before it) and its consequences (whether or not it pays off). Before you can help your children change their behavior, you need to determine why that behavior is happening.
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Begin by asking yourself questions about the antecedents of your children's behavior - what could have led them to behave this way? Here are some possible antecedents:
Now ask yourself questions about the consequences of your children's behavior - are these behaviors rewarding or punishing for them? For example:
If you want your children to change their behavior, you have to change whatever antecedents or consequences are keeping the behavior the way it is. The first thing to do is change your parental behavior. For example:
It may be helpful to have a family meeting to decide who has which responsibilities. Make sure it is a genuine meeting, not a lecture by the adults to the kids. Here are some tips:
It is likely they are just as unhappy with it as you are, since you say you are resentful and don't even like yourself! Listen carefully to what each family member suggests, including what changes they want in your behavior. For example, they may want you to stop nagging in exchange for their doing things they have agreed to.
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The agreements made in the family meeting should include:
Now, it might not work. The situation is complicated, and your solution is only as good as your understanding of the situation. If it doesn't work, go back to figuring out the antecedents and consequences of the behavior, so that you can change these effectively.