The Greeting Ritual
Parents often find it challenging to connect with their busy teenagers, leading to interactions filled with questions, concerns, or advice.
How to Connect with Our Teens When We Barely See Them
With our teenagers so busy with their social lives, finding time to connect can be challenging. We often find ourselves stockpiling questions, concerns, and reminders, blurting them out whenever we catch a glimpse of our kids in passing. But as Gordon Neufeld and other psychologists suggest, we need to "connect before directing." This principle emphasizes that we can’t guide our children effectively unless we have a solid relationship with them. This approach is also the foundation of our work in LIFE Seminars.
The Science Behind Connection
Dr. Yurgelun-Todd's research provides a scientific basis for the importance of connection. She monitored the brains of adult and teen volunteers as they tried to identify emotions in a series of pictures of frightened faces. While all the adults correctly identified fear, most teenagers saw anger instead. Brain scans revealed that adults processed these images with the prefrontal cortex—the rational part of the brain—while teens used the amygdala, the part linked to instinctual and emotional responses like fear and rage. This difference can trigger a "fight, flight, or freeze" reaction in teens.
Understanding the Teen Experience
Consider what happens when there is tension in the parent-child relationship, and the only moments we have together are brief, like picking them up in the car or waking them up in the morning. For teens, our concerned or worried faces might look angry. Our concerns might sound like complaints, pushing them into a defensive stance where they stop caring what we think or say and focus only on protecting themselves. This reaction isn’t deliberate; it results from brain immaturity combined with hormonal changes.
Connecting with Teenagers: The Greeting Ritual
When parenting my teens, I combined this understanding of the brain with the need for connection and developed what I call "The Greeting Ritual." The idea was simple: whenever I made contact with one of my kids—whether they came home from school or I picked them up—I refrained from asking questions, complaining, or mentioning anything negative for at least ten minutes. I focused on being positive or neutral, letting go of my agenda to guide or correct them.
Implementing the Greeting Ritual
My first test of this ritual came when I picked up my social 16-year-old daughter from a friend's house a little later than I would have liked on a Friday night. Unsure if I could avoid saying something that would be taken the wrong way, I decided to distract myself: I put two pieces of Hubba Bubba gum in my mouth and played some Frank Zappa on the car stereo.
When my daughter walked towards the car, her expression was sour and ready for battle. The first time was tough—she put in her earbuds to block out Frank Zappa—but we didn’t talk, and I kept a happy face. After a few days, I noticed a change; she seemed more relaxed when approaching the car. If I stayed neutral and pleasant, she would open up about her concerns, giving me a chance to listen and support her without trying to control the conversation. When I did need to say something, it was better received after that initial connection.
Seeing Results
It helped when my husband joined in on the greeting ritual. One night, he came home with our daughter, both laughing. I was surprised and asked what had happened. "The greeting ritual," he explained. "I felt like lecturing her about not calling earlier, but I didn’t say anything. Before I knew it, she told me about her night and how she and her friend stayed with another friend until she got safely on the bus. How could I be mad about that?"
I also applied this approach with my son. I knew he was struggling and felt anxious about his well-being, but my anxiety only interfered with his confidence. By avoiding questions about his day and giving him space to unwind, I noticed a positive change. This ritual helped me manage my anxiety and become less intrusive, building trust and fostering a calmer atmosphere at home.
The Impact of Small Changes
The greeting ritual was a practical way to put our relationship first, and it led to steady positive changes. It created small moments of connection that made a big difference. Greeting our teenagers pleasantly rather than overwhelming them with questions or advice whenever we see them can significantly impact our relationship with them.
Final Thoughts
If you're looking to connect better with your teen, try the greeting ritual. It’s a simple, manageable shift in behavior that can lead to significant positive changes in your relationship.
