The Perils of Obedience

Why shouldn't kids obey their parents?

This writer is obviously responding to something I wrote previously.

Let me make my position clear: Obedience should not be the goal of parenting.

However, if we earn our children's trust, they will trust our wisdom and respect our decisions in situations where we know more than they do.

The Role of Protection and Responsibility in Parenting

When children are very little, we have to protect them.

But as they grow older, they need to learn to protect themselves.

An important goal of parenting is to gradually transfer the responsibility for our children's lives from our hands into theirs.

This means teaching them values and skills that will enable them to make wise decisions.

At the same time, we continually earn their trust by showing wisdom, caring for them, and not making the decisions they are able to make themselves.

Why Obedience Doesn't Teach Decision-Making

Obedience doesn’t teach children how to make decisions.

It only teaches them to follow someone else’s decisions.

When children are little, we earn their trust by responding to their needs—feeding them when they cry, changing their diapers, and taking good care of them.

Because they trust us, they naturally look to us to make decisions about what is safe and what is good for them.

At this stage, obedience isn’t a question.

Instead, our trustworthiness lays the foundation for them to respect and trust our decisions about their lives.

Setting Limits Without Expecting Obedience

It’s the same with preschoolers.

We bandage their knees when they fall, cuddle them, read them stories, and participate in games they design.

We also set limits on their behavior, always explaining why the limits are there.

For example, “Don’t run into the road because cars are going very fast, and the driver might not see you and you’d get hurt.”

Or, “Don’t hit your brother because it hurts him, and you wouldn’t want anyone to hurt you.”

We teach them about the world and how it works, both physically and socially.

Although we are setting limits, our goal is not obedience.

Our goal is responsibility, empathy, and mature understanding.

We allow natural consequences to occur whenever they aren’t too dangerous so that children learn from them.

And when we have to impose artificial consequences, we explain why.

For example, “You don’t like bigger kids to hurt you, so it isn’t okay to hit your little brother. You need to take some time by yourself until you can control your behavior and not hurt him.”

Encouraging Independence and Responsibility

As children grow, they want to make decisions to the limit of their ability.

If they’ve learned to look both ways when crossing the street, they want to demonstrate this knowledge.

If we insist on holding their hands and telling them when to cross, we take away their sense of responsibility.

They remain immature, looking for someone to obey and follow rather than gaining confidence in their own wisdom and skill.

Preparing for Independence in the Teen Years

Children grow up much faster than we’d like.

We can’t make their decisions for them or protect them forever.

When the teen years arrive, our kids have only a few years to prepare for independent adulthood, and nature drives them to become increasingly independent.

But if they’ve been taught to obey, they don’t know how to think through their decisions beyond “What do mum and dad say?”

Their understanding of right and wrong is based on what they’ve been told, rather than deeper concepts like “Does this harm anyone?”

So, they move into the wider world without knowing how to make their own decisions, and they look for someone new to obey.

The Danger of Blind Obedience

Enter the peer group, the charismatic adult leader, or the persuasive boyfriend.

They transfer their obedience to someone new, who may or may not share their parents’ values.

They haven’t learned how to evaluate someone’s values or make their own decisions, other than the decision to obey or not obey.

They become followers.

German psychiatrist Alice Miller studied how the obedience-oriented child-rearing in Germany during the 1930s contributed to the rise of the Nazi regime.

People who were used to obeying their parents obeyed their leaders, even when those leaders ordered them to commit unspeakable crimes.

Teaching Children to Think and Care

If you want your child to become a mature, responsible adult who respects and cares about others, teach them to think, evaluate, and care—not to obey!

Respect your child’s individuality and developing ideas.

Encourage them to develop their own interests, listen when they disagree with you, and be willing to admit when they’re right.

Love them even when they’re not doing what you want.

Handle their rebellion flexibly.

In doing so, your child will develop a secure sense of who they are, and they won’t be swayed by peer pressure.

Resisting Peer Pressure

It’s a paradox that the child who can best resist peer pressure is not the obedient child, but the child who has learned to think for themselves.

This child practices the Golden Rule (treating others the way they’d like to be treated) because it makes sense to them.

Earning Your Child's Trust in Adolescence

When our children become adolescents, there may still be a few times when we need to intervene to protect them.

If we’ve earned their trust and rarely asked them to obey us, they’ll be willing to trust our superior wisdom in these situations.

When I was 20 years old, I went to India alone.

I was naive about the opposite sex and had newfound popularity among male foreign students.

I wrote home, saying I was about to go on a trip with other foreign students for several days.

My father phoned from Canada (a very unusual thing to do at that time) and asked me not to go.

He knew more than I did about sexually frustrated young men.

Had he been an authoritarian father who always told me what to do, I likely would have ignored his advice, and bad things would have happened.

I was angry, but I respected my father, so I did what he asked.

Later, I came to understand his wisdom.

A Balancing Act: Earning Trust and Encouraging Independence

It’s a balancing act.

We need to assess our children’s maturity and allow them all the independence they can handle, intervening only when they truly can’t manage a situation.

At the same time, we teach them what they need to know to take responsibility for their own lives.

If we earn their trust and respect while empowering them to increasingly manage their own lives, they will become mature and responsible individuals.

They will be self-directed rather than blind followers.

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