The Selfish Parent?

How do you know when satisfying your own needs and putting your child's needs on hold will better serve their needs ultimately?

Now that I'm an adult, I definitely believe in the Golden Rule—"Treat others the way you would like them to treat you."

But when I was a child, my mother had a great deal of difficulty trying to make me understand it.

If there were two people and one piece of candy, it made sense to me that it should go to the person who would appreciate it the most—me!

That seemed especially true when the other person was my mother—after all, adults didn’t have such strong needs and feelings as children, right?

Learning Through Experience

My mother, a kind soul, always managed to put the needs of her five children before her own.

So I at least got the message that she wasn’t as important as we were.

But then, since I was the oldest child, she wanted me to put the needs of the little ones before mine, and that just plain didn’t make sense to me.

She thought I was selfish, but to me, that was just the natural way to be.

I didn’t live in anyone else’s skin; I didn’t feel their needs or satisfactions, so they didn’t matter that much to me.

That’s the nature of childhood.

Fairness and the Awareness of Others

As I got a little older, I became obsessed with fairness—among children, that is.

Adults didn’t count, since they were “over the hill” and didn’t want things as much as kids did.

Every box of chocolates had to be divided exactly evenly between the children, and each game had to be played by the rules.

I was starting to suspect, with some shock, that other kids (though not adults) might have needs and feelings similar to my own.

I’m not sure exactly when I figured out that adults were human too—probably not until I became one.

And now I’m beginning to suspect that old people might also have feelings and be similar to me. Uh-oh.

Teaching Kids to Respect the Needs of Others

If parents don’t teach children that other people matter, they won’t learn it.

I’ve consulted with several parents recently whose teens treat them with utter disrespect.

These are very nice, kind, giving parents who always give their children the benefit of the doubt, do things for them, and put up with constant swearing, rudeness, disturbances in the middle of the night, laziness, and complaints from their “spoiled brats.”

The combination of a kind parent and a strong-willed, persistent child can lead to a teenage monster who has no respect for others.

Besides making their parents’ lives miserable, these teens often get ousted from schools and jobs when teachers and employers refuse to tolerate this behavior.

Teaching Respect Starts Early

There are times when it’s very important to make your child aware that you have needs too, and to insist that they respect your needs.

Don’t let your child use your special personal possessions.

Don’t get up to look for something they’ve lost when you’re taking a nap, and show your irritation if they interrupt you.

Require them to wait until dinner is served or help make it, rather than giving them a snack 20 minutes before dinner is ready.

Expect them to eat what you’ve cooked, rather than making a whole new meal because they’ve decided they suddenly don’t like potatoes.

Let your child know when you are tired or sick and need help.

A child will only learn to respect the rights, needs, and feelings of others if they are constantly confronted with these rights, needs, and feelings.

Balancing Needs and Teaching Empathy

When children are young, they are naturally egocentric and unaware of the needs of others.

They begin to become more aware when they are required to think about how others may feel and to treat them with respect.

Children learn to care for and respect others from our example, our teaching, and the limits we set on their behavior.

I think my mother was actually too unselfish, and as a result, I stayed “selfish” longer than I would have if she had been a bit firmer about us respecting her needs and feelings.

Her belief was that one should always put others first.

My belief is that you should “love your neighbor as yourself”—neither more nor less than yourself.

And that applies to your parents and your children as well.

When to Put Your Needs First

Now, back to your original question: How do you know when satisfying your own needs and putting your child’s needs on hold will ultimately serve their needs better?

The key word is “when.”

Part of that “when” is about the age of the child.

Childhood is meant for learning and play; play is a child’s special way of trying out new ways of being.

It’s wrong to make a child work all the time just because we need help and deny them the studying and playing time they need.

I met an eight-year-old the other day who had to sweep the floors every day instead of playing with her friends.

Her mother is very busy, but that’s unfair to the child.

Chores should be assigned to teach children responsibility, not to relieve an adult’s workload.

Teaching Responsibility and Respect Over Time

At the same time, we need to teach children to take responsibility and respect the needs of others.

We gradually make them aware of our needs as they grow older.

Little children can’t delay their needs for very long.

They need us to be there for them most of the time, so they know they are loved and cared for.

But as they grow older, we have to set limits on their behavior and make our needs known.

For example, when your baby cries at night, you get up, take her into your bed, and feed her without hesitation.

But when she’s two years old and just wants to play, it’s a different story, and you let her know you want her back in her own bed as soon as possible so you can sleep.

When your four-year-old interrupts all your phone calls, you’re entitled to tell her firmly to wait until you’ve finished, but then finish within her attention span—about five minutes, not an hour.

An older child should be expected to wait longer, but not all evening.

The Golden Rule in Parenting

It’s all about balancing your child’s needs, your own needs, and your child’s developmental stage.

You’ll need to make moment-by-moment decisions about whose needs should come first.

If you live and teach the Golden Rule, you can’t go too far wrong.

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