Time for Everyone

I am an unmarried mother of two girls, ages 9 and 10.

I also have a boyfriend of three years.

My youngest daughter gets along great with my boyfriend, and my oldest one used to.

For the last few months, my 10-year-old acts as if she can’t stand him when he’s around.

I once broke off the relationship to satisfy my daughter, but then she asked about him all the time.

She has accused me of ignoring her when he is around, but we constantly do things as a family, and I have designated time for her and my 9-year-old one-on-one.

Please help me!

Understanding the Shift in Your Daughter’s Behavior

It’s easy for adults to get caught up in conversation when children are around.

Children often feel left out in these moments.

This happens in married couples and same-sex friendships too—it isn’t just because he’s your boyfriend.

However, it can be more noticeable with single parents, as the children are used to having their parent’s undivided attention.

Now, there’s another adult competing for this attention, and they have to wait.

Defining Different Types of Together Time

It might help to explain to your daughters—and your boyfriend—that there are different kinds of time together.

Family Time for Everyone

When it’s a time for everyone to be together, like during dinner, the conversation should include topics that interest everyone.

No one should engage in one-on-one conversations that leave others out.

You can say, “This is together time for everyone, so you girls can stop us if we start an adult conversation.”

Time for You and Your Boyfriend

When you and your boyfriend are spending time together, and the children are just around the house, it’s okay for you two to talk to each other.

Your daughters need to learn to wait their turn.

You can explain, “This is time for me and Bob to be together, so you girls need to amuse yourselves without counting on us.”

Special Time with Your Daughters

When you are spending special time with one or both of the girls, your boyfriend needs to do something else and respect your family time.

You can say, “Bob, I know you want to spend time with me, but I promised to spend this time with my daughter, so you need to go home or read a book and not interrupt us.”

Fairness and Structure: Creating Balance

Children at this age respond well to fairness and structure.

It will help your daughter if you explain that there are three kinds of time, and everyone gets their turn.

You talk about time with your boyfriend and the girls being "family time," but is it really?

Is he their stepfather, or just your boyfriend?

There is a difference, and your daughter may be grieving for the original family you had without him.

Preserving Time with Your Original Family

Make sure that you have time with just you and the girls, without Bob, as well as one-on-one time with each daughter.

The pressures on your time are more intense now that your boyfriend is involved, but it’s essential to protect the girls' time with you.

Conclusion

Balancing time between your daughters and your relationship can be challenging.

By clearly defining different types of together time and ensuring that your daughters feel heard and valued, you can help ease the tension.

It’s crucial to protect the bond you share with your girls while also making space for your relationship.

With fairness, structure, and clear communication, everyone can get their turn and feel included.

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