Traumatized by the News

The following is a recent e-mail conversation I had with a friend in another city.

Dear Alison:

My 11-year-old son and I are very close, and he will talk to me about anything and everything (I hope it lasts).

He is also very sensitive to the outside world and what goes on in the news.

Today, he said something to me that scared me badly. He told me about a dream he had involving Kosovo, in which the Russians helped the Serbs turn on the States and Canada, starting to kill us.

The dream was bad enough, but then he looked very serious and said that with all the people in the world killing each other, and schools not being safe anymore (like what just happened in Littleton), there was no point.

I asked what he meant by "no point."

He said that kids are getting shot or stabbed (a kid in his class took a jackknife to another kid), and perverts are stealing and killing kids (we just had a new "pervert alert" in the area). So, there was really no point in living, and maybe he should just die now and save himself from being killed by some kid gone nuts in school or a creep on the street.

He said he often thinks about just dying now, when he hears stuff like that.

A Parent's Response to Fear

I told him I was sorry he felt that way and tried to tell him about all the wonderful things in the world.

I reminded him of all the people who love him, how special and gifted he is, and that if he died before having a chance to grow up, the world might lose another Monet or van Gogh.

I also explained how much I would miss him, as well as all the people who love him.

I told him that if he ever felt like he had to die, he should come to me before doing anything. He said, "Okay."

I don’t know if I handled it right or not.

He seemed much happier after we talked, but he’s only 11 years old and is already feeling the world’s insanity and pain—and worse, taking it to heart.

Handling a Difficult Situation Beautifully

I think you handled it beautifully.

Your words reassured him about his specialness, the good things in life, and how loved and wanted he is.

Most importantly, you made it clear that you're always there to support him, which is why he felt happier after your conversation.

Dealing with Outside Stressors

I know the kid in his class with the knife has picked on him a number of times before.

This last incident (though not directed at him) took place the day after Littleton.

Should I talk to the school? Should I stop him from watching the news? I really don’t know what to do. Do you have any suggestions?

Consider Reducing Exposure to News

It might be a good idea to stop him from watching the news.

Kids at this age can often watch violent movies and TV shows without being too bothered because they know they aren’t real.

But the news is different—it’s real, and that can be far more upsetting.

What kids don’t know is that these horrible events are rare; that’s why they make the news.

Tell him that these things aren’t happening everywhere, and that’s why they’re news—because they hardly ever happen.

You can help him think through the statistics: how many high schools are there on the continent, and in what percentage of them have such events occurred?

How far is Canada from Europe? How rich are the Russians? What kind of defense systems do we have here?

By discussing these probabilities, you can provide him with some reassurance about the actual likelihood of the things he fears.

Shift Focus to Positive Media

You can also encourage your son to read more positive, uplifting stories or watch more hopeful movies to change the balance of information he has.

What do I do when the news is part of homework for current events?

Speak to the School About Sensitivity

Talk to the school—the teacher, the school counselor, and if necessary, the principal.

It’s fairly insensitive for a teacher to assign this kind of homework to children of this age.

A lot of kids are feeling the way your son is now. Many are suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder from the constant exposure to horrible news events.

Your son is at a particularly sensitive age for this—old enough to know that his parents can’t keep him safe from everything, but too young to know how to handle it.

Many kids are going through this same struggle right now.

That’s one reason so many boys are preoccupied with macho posturing—they don’t feel safe.

Addressing School and Knife Incidents

You should also talk to the school about the kid with the knife.

That is a dangerous situation, and you and other parents need to know what the school is doing about it.

Let your son know you’re going to address it, and ask him if anything you say might endanger him further (e.g., if the boy found out who reported it).

Make sure you take his concerns into account when talking to the school.

A Close Bond Provides Security

Kids at this age aren’t old enough to defend themselves and shouldn’t be left alone with their problems.

Your close bond with your son is incredibly important and will help him through these tough times.

But this situation also requires practical intervention in his environment.

Good luck!

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