Trusting Your Teen

When I ask my 17-year-old son where he's going, he often replies, "Out." And when I follow up with, "What are you going to do?" he jokes, "Drugs." While some parents might react with alarm, I simply laugh, knowing he's only kidding. But beneath his humor, what is he really saying? He's saying, "Mum, I want you to trust me to make responsible decisions." My son and I firmly believe that trusting your child is one of the most crucial things you can do to help them transition from the teen years into responsible adulthood.

The Importance of Trust

I recently returned from a weekend conference, and while I was away, my son hosted a small party at our home. He told me that one of the boys' fathers was concerned and asked if I knew about the gathering. My son reassured him, "Of course," even offering to have the dad call me when I returned. This father seemed to assume that teens, left unsupervised, would inevitably get into trouble. However, I trust both my son and his friends.

This incident took me back to when my son was five years old and attended an after-school daycare. In the first week, the daycare lady called me in distress: "He doesn't wait for the rest of us when we walk from the school to my home. He runs ahead and crosses the street on his own. He's such a bad boy." I asked my son what had happened, and he replied, "Mum, I've known how to cross the street since I was three. She thinks I'm a baby!"

Guiding Your Child Through Trust

I acknowledged his feelings and assured him I knew he could cross the street safely on his own. Then, I suggested he stay with the group and help the caregiver teach the other children how to cross the street. Problem solved.

Throughout childhood, children learn to navigate an increasingly wider world. Our message to them at every stage, including the teen years, needs to be one of trust and confidence.

1. Equip Them with Knowledge and Training: First, provide them with the necessary knowledge and skills.
2. Express Confidence in Their Abilities: Then, show confidence in their good sense and their ability to handle things.
3. Give Opportunities for Independence: Finally, allow them the freedom to experiment and gain experience on their own.

The Pitfalls of Over-Restriction

Many parents become more restrictive as their children enter their teens, imposing curfews and grounding as standard practices. However, these tactics often send the message that you don't trust your child, believing them to be either foolish or irresponsible.

When you impose rules that suggest a teenager can't make responsible decisions or react with anger when they make mistakes, you undermine their ability to develop their own conscience and good judgment.

Learning Through Mistakes

The teenage daughter of a friend of mine recently got her belly-button pierced. Her mother reacted by becoming upset. The girl later explained, "Only part of me wanted to do it, and I decided I'd rather fight with you than fight with myself." If she had known her mother wouldn't react, she might have weighed both sides of the decision more thoughtfully and likely made a different choice.

It makes all the difference to a child at any age if their parents are supportive, express confidence in them, and allow them to try new things and learn from their mistakes. I still remember when my younger brother came home drunk for the first and only time. Instead of yelling, my parents just laughed. He never needed to repeat the mistake.

Balancing Nurturing and Letting Go

Effective parenting at every stage involves two key actions: nurturing and letting go. Both are equally important. Prepare your child for each new challenge, and then let them handle it.

My son and I are now preparing for the next stage: young adulthood. One of the ways we do this is by watching "Felicity" together every Sunday evening. My son becomes quite vocal about the poor choices made by the realistic young characters on the show. When he was little, I taught him how to cross the street—then I let him cross it. I taught him how to ride a bus and a bicycle—then I let him do these things on his own.

He's navigated the complexities of teenage peer pressure and is now preparing for the broader world of university. I know he'll do just fine.