Where Has the Sleeping Dog Gone?

I am a stay-at-home mom with a 3-year-old son who started preschool two months ago. He never had separation anxiety in his infancy or at the start of school. However, for the last month, he has cried every time I drop him off at school, and it seems to be getting worse. He is now starting to cry at home if I leave, even if he is with a babysitter or his daddy.

We had to put my 14-year-old dog down around the time his crying started. He wasn’t very attached to her, but it may be hard for him to understand. I told him she was very sore and old, that she was hurting and needed to go to sleep, and that she wouldn’t hurt anymore. He said goodnight to her. Occasionally, he asks where she is, and I remind him that she went to sleep.

It's a hard subject — they are little enough to be confused yet big enough to sense that something is going on. I wonder if this is causing his increased anxiety over any and all separations.

Understanding the Impact of Loss

Yes, unfortunately, it's quite likely that the loss of the dog is at the root of the problem, along with the way the explanation was handled. As parents, it can be challenging to find the right words in situations like this. It's essential to put ourselves in our children's shoes and think about how they interpret both the experience and the words we use. Phrases like "going to sleep" can be especially confusing to a child.

Imagining Your Child's Perspective

Imagine you are three years old. All your life, your family has included Mommy, Daddy, and the dog. You probably don’t see the dog as any less of a family member than anyone else. Suddenly, one day, the dog is taken away in the car and never comes back, or perhaps she disappears mysteriously while you are at school.

When you ask about her, your mommy says that the family member who disappeared was very sore and old. You know that you are young, and maybe your baby brother is young, but aren't Mommy and Daddy old? Maybe even older than the dog? If the dog was taken away because she was old, could that happen to your mommy too?

Your mommy also says that the dog was hurting and needed to go to sleep. But everyone goes to sleep every night, don't they? If the dog is asleep, why isn’t she in her bed? If she's sleeping somewhere else, why doesn’t she come back? What if someone else gets hurt or sore? Will they also go somewhere to sleep and never come back?

You need your mommy a lot, and you don’t want to risk being separated from her in case she gets hurt or sore and has to go somewhere you can’t find her. What if she "goes to sleep" too? You might feel the need to watch her all the time to make sure it doesn’t happen.

How to Address Your Child's Fears

Now, back to your own perspective: bring up the subject of the dog with your son directly and ask him if he’s worried about what happened to her. He needs responses to all the things he might be worried about. Here’s how to approach the conversation:

1. Be Clear About What Happened: First, explain that the dog isn't asleep — she's dead. How you explain death will depend on your beliefs:
   • If You Believe in an Afterlife: Tell him that the dog’s body was very sick and worn out, so she needed to leave it behind and go somewhere where she wouldn't be in pain anymore.
   • If You Do Not Believe in an Afterlife: Explain that the dog had reached the end of the time that dogs can stay alive in this world. Let him know that dogs usually live about 12 to 14 years, but humans typically live much longer — at least 70 or 80 years. Reassure him that you are in good health, you are grown-up but not old, and he doesn't have to worry about you dying. You might say, “I won’t die until you are older than you are now.”
2. Encourage Open Communication: Invite him to tell you everything he’s worried about and answer all his questions truthfully and simply.
3. Use Resources: Consider asking your children’s librarian for books for preschoolers about animals dying. These can help reinforce the discussion and provide comfort.

Resolving the Problem

I think you’ll find that addressing his concerns directly and honestly will help resolve the problem. Children are often more resilient than we realize when given the right information and support to understand their experiences.