We have three children, almost 7, just four and just 2. Our six year old is always getting into trouble. It is not "against rules" trouble, just in general. Calling names, cutting up a boy's eraser. Little stuff. But it happens ALL the time. We have spanked her to no end, taken away any and all privileges, and made her sit in time out. This has gone to extremes. It has gotten old and it is obvious that it is not working. What do you think?
Sometimes a child’s behavior can be so frustrating to a parent that they immediately rush to impose consequences before understanding what’s causing the behavior in the first place.
If the behavior is happening for a reason, it will continue.
If the consequences are severe, the child may stop doing the behavior in front of parents, but it will still happen behind their backs, because an important emotional need is driving the behavior.
Kids don’t do things for no reason.
What could be going on with your six-year-old?
She needs positive attention and one-on-one time with a caring parent, away from her younger siblings.
She needs some things—like family dinners, bedtime stories, and one-on-one attention—to be given consistently, so she feels loved and part of the family, not as privileges that are taken away for misbehavior.
It’s tough for busy parents to find the time for this, but it’s essential.
Punishments can make the problem worse because her need for love and understanding isn’t being met.
Your daughter also needs a loving parent to ask about her day and listen to her talk about what’s going on in her life.
Don’t judge her; just listen and care, so she feels free to talk about her problems without fear of criticism or punishment.
What could those problems be?
She may need some coaching on how to handle conflict with other children, as social skills must be taught, just like any other skill.
She needs a chance to talk to a loving adult at least once a day.
Don’t interrogate her—just spend time with her so she has the opportunity to open up if she needs to.
And resist the urge to jump in with advice; just listen.
You may ask, “What do we do about all the misbehavior?”
Believe it or not, positive attention and appreciation for good behavior is much more effective in producing behavior change than punishment for misbehavior.
First of all, ignore the negative.
Giving her attention for misbehaviors may actually make them more likely to happen.
Next, ask yourself, “What would I like her to do instead of misbehave?”
Maybe you’d like her to play cooperatively with other children or treat her siblings with kindness.
Whenever you catch her doing these positive things, give her attention and verbal appreciation.
Enlist her teacher’s help with this too.
It’s amazing how quickly behavior can change when basic needs are met and positive actions are noticed and appreciated.
In summary, meet your daughter’s basic needs, give her time to talk about her life, ignore the misbehavior, and show appreciation for positive behavior.
In return, your little girl will begin to behave in ways that you can enjoy again.