Why Doesn't the Punishment Work?

We have three children, almost 7, just four and just 2. Our six year old is always getting into trouble. It is not "against rules" trouble, just in general. Calling names, cutting up a boy's eraser. Little stuff. But it happens ALL the time. We have spanked her to no end, taken away any and all privileges, and made her sit in time out. This has gone to extremes. It has gotten old and it is obvious that it is not working. What do you think?

Sometimes a child’s behavior can be so frustrating to a parent that they immediately rush to impose consequences before understanding what’s causing the behavior in the first place.

If the behavior is happening for a reason, it will continue.

If the consequences are severe, the child may stop doing the behavior in front of parents, but it will still happen behind their backs, because an important emotional need is driving the behavior.

Children Act with Purpose

Kids don’t do things for no reason.

What could be going on with your six-year-old?

• She has probably just started full-time school, which is stressful. She has to sit still for hours, handle new work, get used to a new teacher, and deal with many other children.
• She has two younger siblings who likely take up much of mom and dad’s time and attention. The younger ones get privileges for being smaller, yet they aren’t good playmates for her.
• She may have learned that she gets attention for misbehaving, but is ignored when she’s quiet. She needs to matter, and negative attention is better than none.
• She may feel like she’s always in trouble, and may begin to see herself as a troublemaker rather than a valued family member. If people are often angry at her, she may feel angry too, and could be taking that anger out on other kids.

What Does She Need?

She needs positive attention and one-on-one time with a caring parent, away from her younger siblings.

She needs some things—like family dinners, bedtime stories, and one-on-one attention—to be given consistently, so she feels loved and part of the family, not as privileges that are taken away for misbehavior.

It’s tough for busy parents to find the time for this, but it’s essential.

Punishments can make the problem worse because her need for love and understanding isn’t being met.

Listening and Showing Understanding

Your daughter also needs a loving parent to ask about her day and listen to her talk about what’s going on in her life.

Don’t judge her; just listen and care, so she feels free to talk about her problems without fear of criticism or punishment.

Possible Sources of Misbehavior

What could those problems be?

• Trouble with her teacher: Two of my children had first-grade teachers who damaged their self-esteem. My daughter struggled because she couldn’t sit still, and my son because he was too shy to speak up.
• Trouble with other kids: Is your daughter angry at the children she’s called names or been mean to? If so, why? Is she being called names or bullied? Or is she just seeking attention from them or adults?

She may need some coaching on how to handle conflict with other children, as social skills must be taught, just like any other skill.

• Trouble with schoolwork: She may struggle with paying attention or completing tasks. Learning disabilities can also show up around first grade.
• Feeling left out at home: With two younger siblings, she may feel that no one has much time for her.

The Importance of Daily Conversations

She needs a chance to talk to a loving adult at least once a day.

Don’t interrogate her—just spend time with her so she has the opportunity to open up if she needs to.

And resist the urge to jump in with advice; just listen.

Addressing the Misbehavior

You may ask, “What do we do about all the misbehavior?”

Believe it or not, positive attention and appreciation for good behavior is much more effective in producing behavior change than punishment for misbehavior.

Focusing on Positive Behavior

First of all, ignore the negative.

Giving her attention for misbehaviors may actually make them more likely to happen.

Next, ask yourself, “What would I like her to do instead of misbehave?”

Maybe you’d like her to play cooperatively with other children or treat her siblings with kindness.

Whenever you catch her doing these positive things, give her attention and verbal appreciation.

Enlist her teacher’s help with this too.

It’s amazing how quickly behavior can change when basic needs are met and positive actions are noticed and appreciated.

Conclusion: Meet Her Needs and Celebrate the Positives

In summary, meet your daughter’s basic needs, give her time to talk about her life, ignore the misbehavior, and show appreciation for positive behavior.

In return, your little girl will begin to behave in ways that you can enjoy again.

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