"You Don't Love Me"

How do you respond to a six-year-old who has developed the "You don't love me, nobody likes me" response to consequences?

This question raises the delicate issue of balancing your child's emotional needs with addressing inappropriate behavior. These are two of the most important parenting skills, and finding the right balance can be challenging. There are no easy answers here, and you will likely make some mistakes. Sometimes, you may discipline your child when they need emotional support, and other times, you might offer support when they are trying to manipulate their way out of consequences. What matters is how you parent over the long term, not whether you make a mistake or two.

To determine whether your child's response to your consequences is appropriate, consider the following checklists regarding your own behavior:

Sensitivity to Your Child's Emotions

• Some negative behaviors arise from a child's emotions, which are not wrong; they are signs that something is making the child unhappy.
• When a child is experiencing bad feelings, they need to be listened to; they cannot take advice about their behavior until their emotions are addressed. Be sensitive to emotion-driven behaviors and listen to your child's feelings early on so that their behavior does not escalate.
• Remove any triggers of your child's negative behavior. For example, a child cannot be expected not to react if an adult is consistently rude to them or to sit quietly if they are consistently ignored.
• Your child may be genuinely angry or hurt because your discipline has been inappropriate.
• Your child may be upset about something else, which might make it difficult for them to control their behavior.
• If your child says things like "Nobody likes me," check out why they feel this way at another time—not when you are imposing consequences.
• Ensure your child knows you love them for who they are, regardless of their behavior.

Making Sure Expectations Are Fair

• Your child must know what you expect before you discipline them for not doing what you think they should do.
• Behavior expectations must be appropriate for the child's age (e.g., a two-year-old cannot clean up their room properly).
• Behavior expectations must be explained in terms the child can understand.
• The child must be taught how to do something correctly before they are disciplined for doing it wrong.
• Do not have too many expectations. You should not constantly control your child and expect them to do everything your way. If you do this, they will rightfully rebel.
• Teach empathy rather than obedience, so your child learns why certain behaviors are wrong.

Making Sure Discipline Is Fair

• Allow the child to experience the natural consequences of their decisions (e.g., forgetting to do homework, forgetting to take lunch to school, getting up late); natural consequences are usually more effective than parent-applied consequences.
• If you need to use consequences, ensure they are not too harsh. A child should never be deprived of basic needs like food, sleep, physical safety, love, and esteem, no matter what they have done. They should always know you love them and want to meet their needs.
• Ensure you are not disciplining your child when they are genuinely upset for a good reason.
• Make sure you are not always disciplining. Your child should feel that you are happy with them most of the time so they can develop self-esteem.
• Watch for verbal abuse; do not put your child down when disciplining them.
• Avoid evaluating your child as "good" or "bad" according to their behavior.
• When you discipline, make sure you distinguish between the child and their behavior: They need to know you think they are a valuable person and have the ability to change their behavior.

Responding to "You Don't Love Me"

Now, back to the child who says, "You don't love me" when consequences are imposed.

1. Check Yourself: Review the parenting principles listed above. Ensure that your discipline is fair, appropriate, and sensitive to your child's emotions.
2. If Your Discipline is Fair: If you believe your discipline passes all the tests above, consider that your child may be saying this for other reasons:
   • Seeking Reassurance: Your child may be saying it to hear you tell them you love them. Let them know it's okay to ask for love, but not during discipline.
   • Avoiding Consequences: Your child might be trying to delay or avoid consequences by pushing your "guilt button."
3. Handling the Situation:
   • Ignore the statement in the moment and stay calm.
   • Tell them you are willing to discuss whether the consequences are fair at another time, but not right now.
   • Reaffirm your love by saying, "I love you enough to set limits on your behavior."
   • Follow through with your consequences.